- i moved where my heart had drifted off to long before. i live on a hill of hundred acres, where my dreams have merged with the view. it is quiet from machine noises yet loud with sounds of horses, dogs, cats chickens and ducks. nature is the true artist in resident and i am just her apprentice who often gets lost in her gaze. once and a while i travel back to cities and foreign places to put into photographs what i have learned, yet always, part of my heart is left on the hill..
Sunday, December 30, 2007
For many years I have driven by this very grand church in the middle of vast farm land .
Its red doors have caught my attention over and over again.
I have said to myself atleast a dozen times " I will stop and take photographs one day" well i did
and some of them where good- It felt good to stop and do what I had said so often , I am not sure why
after all these years I chose that day , but I am glad I stopped.
Saturday, December 29, 2007
Today I found myself daydreaming
on my drive back from Montreal
thru the mountains of vermont
I was in and out of thought.
I had a dream (day) I was there
at the gate, I stood very still and
this personage came to me, he stood
in front of me and said "what do you want"
I understood the question and answered
"to take pictures and fall in love" he asked
again "what do you want" once again I said
"to take pictures and fall in love" again with out
a blink or the slightest movement he said
"what do you want" I said this time as my voice began to
crack" to take pictures and" He stopped me and covered my eyes
with his hand and said :"what do you want" I could feel the tears
fall from my eyes as I said "I want to take pictures and fall in love"
he leaned and whispered in my ear" have you not fallen my dear"
he removed his hand from my eyes and drew me near and said
"now you must learn to stay'
Thursday, December 27, 2007
the marriage of both these things
make my heart smile.
I sit at the cafe my mother on
my side she is pure sunshine...
we chat about things and exchange dreams
hers become mine and mine become hers...
to know her is the greatest gift of all...
How much does light comes to play? as I look
around me, everything is glistening...but
still warm and subtle.
Sometimes things are so perfect, moments
that you know you will remember, look back on
and wish for again....
it scares me....and excites me....
the snow fall in montreal and I am here
I am here.............
Wednesday, December 26, 2007
Dear Monsieur I have wanted to tell you
something for a few months now about
one of your post " into the wild" I wanted to
let you know I understood your last line
perfectly so much that until now I was
unable to share my personal
views with you....
You see I have always been silenced with pain
when viewing or witnessing people who have in every morsel
of their being lived their lives fully only for it to
be taken quickly- why is it that the ones who
live life with a wholeness and pure understanding of what living
is- have it taken away........( i think I might still have some difficulty
in expressing myself)
At a very young age my mother taught me
to see beauty in everything and along with others
she showed that messages might come quickly, but
can not fully be understood without time....
I have recently found that you might view
me as being one who swims in sadness-I
would like to tell you- never in my life has one
minute of sadness been without the company
of a moment of clarity or even happiness...
I have always believed that life was much better
bittersweet.............but I must confess that
there has been many times of pure sweetness
in my life.
Tuesday, December 25, 2007
Sunday, December 23, 2007
sleep something about
it makes me stay awake
I sit here in the cafe,
and all around me i hear voices
with tidbits of stories,
voices- sounds- some
rough, some loud and hardly
any of them soft.
the woman sitting right over
there she is loud, very loud
the men behind me they are
happy, you can tell their voices
are bouncing of each other just perfectly
I also heard them say they volunteer at a hospital
in south america -perhaps it is that very thing that
makes their voices pleasant
over there a boy, 6 maybe 7
sits there quietly playing with a gadget
while his father reads the paper, for a moment you might
think poor boy- how great if they where talking
but I think looking back at times from my own childhood
you remember sitting by the side of your father or mother
quietely and that memory is just as happy
they look alike the father and the son
it makes me smile
and for a moment it is quiet enough
to hear myself type
but soon it gets loud again, yes the woman
Saturday, December 22, 2007
it was cold today
I could feel it all around
and at my feet.
I saw hardwood floors that
reminded me of things.
Perhaps it is the sense of
familiarity I get when I walk
down the steps with coats
I think tonight I will rest
and not think of much
somethings are what they are
unless i think of them
unless i think of them
Thursday, December 20, 2007
Bird came to my window, and said "What?
You let me in there once, now what the hell?
What I wouldn't give for arms to hold you.
We are creatures of such like desire."
I said "Sorry, but I didn't mean it then.
Now I know that I am sorrier than I have ever been."
"Look at me. I have flown right through this glass unscathed."
"But bird," I cried, "that window was wide open."
Then he stared right through me in the strangest way.
Tuesday, December 18, 2007
The streets had now become
large skating rings, people were
walking delicately- gliding
Snow hardened quickly
like glass, it was shiny.
She new how to dress and how
to keep warm, she was canadian after all.
But she had dreamt the night before that
she was walking in the middle of all the snowflakes
when she spotted a lamppost that had fallen into the snow
but the light was still flickering- It made her
cry and think of quebec and the alley ways that made
her feel alive.. when she woke up she wondered how much
of all of this did she misunderstand- they were words after all
- simple enough, she had misunderstood
Monday, December 17, 2007
it is growing, perhaps to many mangoes
or soy ice mochas or
My eyes they are widening, perhaps
I want to stare at things before holding on to them
My lips they are quivering, perhaps it is the winter
air or the sound of the piano from the trailer of Amelie
My hands are trembling, perhaps because of the snow
or knowing never again will I let you hold them
My heart it is beating hard but not fast, perhaps
because I have said goodbye for good or because
the sound of the piano from the.......
I watched this from the quietness of my little shop
The snow was falling and people where tucked away in thier homes....
I was in heaven... watching this again...it inspires me, it excites me ...I am wakened fully by it and
dare I say giggling at what life has in store or what I have instore for it.....cher monsieur...watch it and smile
Sunday, December 16, 2007
I must tell you, waking up to another snow
storm.... is happiness delivered to my door step
Something Beautiful and inspiring happens inside of me.
Cher monsieur when you walk today in what sounds
to be a very large snowfall , You will be right about being the only one
to walk.... the sky and ground will be very close to one in shades
of color and texture....
Cher monsieur do you see me...for a moment pretend to see me are you
ready.....you walk and you hardly can see in front of you something is telling you
to turn back but you keep going...ahead a flickering light from a little shop
...you walk closer....and you look inside-do you see me...I am hidden behind all
the colorful pretty things....
I am sitting in the back of the shop smiling ear to ear very aware how quiet
the shop will be today, but I function well when others don't( always have)
I sit there smiling, okay you caught me I am giggling, because I am watching
Amelie the movie......I love everything about it............I look up on occasions
to see the snow fall and the stillness that surrounds my little shop- But
I am happy today, I am inspired, today I feel a rebirth of my spirit...
I realize now, that I am awake that the child in me is
promise me you will watch Amelie this week!
Friday, December 14, 2007
Thursday, December 13, 2007
Monday, December 10, 2007
Il pleut beaucoup, la
temperature est froide,
la pluie est comme un verre
d'eau glace quand tu as besion
un verre de the... allo monsieur...
receiving your e-mail today put a smile
on my face.......although I must tell you
today has been good day and dare I say..i have
received a bit of my life back...
yes I agree about Christmas, i do not like what is
in people's hearts-frightening,
I have this feeling certain lucky ones are
I also look forward in the New Years arrival, but dear friend
I must tell you- something has happened recently that has made
appreciate some of the stillness....you see the last year and a half
days flew by-I wish them by..........and now I want to savour everyone,
every single one- even the ones that can be a bit painful, i will thread
Oh dear friend, I am glad you have written, perhaps that alone is Christmas..
You asked how do I spend Noel- I spend it like I have always spent it
hoping that in all corners of the world- people find moments of peace and reflection
and even just maybe somebody will be smiling back at you...
Sunday, December 9, 2007
The things that brake us
okay enough, enough of that
now a big breath- a very big breath
and I begin......
Today the the eggs went into one basket
just one- my career- It is what I do good
it is what I worked hard for, it's what took
second place to a basket full of holes
The shop re-opened today and it was good for me
and good to me
I booked a flight- on what I now will call the darkest
day- if I was writing a Russian novel that chapter would have
be called blood pudding and it would only have one line.
life begins..it has too...........but just for a little longer my hands
will be on my ears and I will be saying lalalalalalallallal till every
ugly thing said is erased or better yet forgotten.....
I would like to say so many things- how you and what
and why and who where you talking to? but that is forgiveness
or forgetfulness and something I was told I do not posses....
thank goodness then, right?
Monday, December 3, 2007
i am not used to the anger
that I have been experiencing
lately. I choose not to hold on to it
because it ends up holding on to you.
i am lucky for monday's, lucky for
rain and frost.
ready for a simpler time, ready
for creative outlets ready for
kindness and growth.
ready to let things go...ready
to believe in good people
ready to be a good person
Friday, November 30, 2007
I often find myself awake
as the sun rises, but seldom
do I take notice.
Today I saw the sunrise
do you know how beautiful
it truly is to watch the night time
sky fade into the light
I watched it, the change is subtle at first
then like a beautiful sonata it opens up
and with it, one can't help but to be hopeful
Thursday, November 29, 2007
There is a pain like no other pain
when you discover you love a monster.....
a mix of anger-hurt- that has you
completely on your knees begging
for the end-
I would like to erase every
single memory and print a book, on how mothers should not name their boys c , and how fathers should take their sons heart in their hands and squeeze with a surreal force till their sons fall to the ground and when they do fathers should lean in and say, my son this is what monsters do...this is you
Tuesday, November 27, 2007
I wanted to write and let you know
that this morning the weather is
beautiful-A grey and blue sky with
the sun reaching out thru a humid air
I do not know how this happened
but this morning I feel strong
dare I say happy. Jacob and I
are able to communicate
to each other, in ways that can
never be explained...
I also have come to realize what I seem
to find to be the case- the people with hard exteriors
are most often the ones with tender hearts
and those with emotional(noble) exteriors
are way to often just that .
It is a lovely morning and I feel hopeful
Monday, November 26, 2007
I think it is happening the beginning of the end
or the end of the beginning...
I think I have learned
allot about myself but i must admit or perhaps
except I have given to much of myself and not enough
be still- I was afraid if
I stopped believing in you, you would stop believing in me
but I never once asked myself if i believed in me.......
I think I have strength in so many things, I know this because I have worked
hard to keep it that way, but I was always weak when it came to what I deserved
when It came to love..but I had a little of it and when you have a little you
learn to protect it, but when someone takes it all something
wonderful could happen-
you are left with nothing so you begin to hope for everything
Sunday, November 25, 2007
there is a window that frames
a japanese maple tree
this tree has turned bright
red, a beautiful red
I have stared at it for a few days
now, but today I found myself sitting by the window
I could look deep into it, almost like a dream
I spoted a tiny bird that was perched on a branch in the very center,
of the red tree ,the small bird was looking around, I think he knew he was lucky
to have found this red tree
I stared at it for a while, I think I got lost in
it, because suddenly a man interrupted my dreaming
and said young lady you are framed by the window
and your back drop is this beautiful tree, just lovely he said, just lovely
i looked up at him wanted to tell him I was dreaming
and how he interrupted me- but I realized he must have seen it to
the bird at the window....
Friday, November 23, 2007
the people in the city have disappeared and left behind a quietness I have not heard in a while
I am sensitive today...I recognize the fragility as if , I have been wrapped with new skin .....
I must now tread carefully...so many things come to mind, but never a whole thought..just fragments..
perhaps a whole thought would be to much to swallow.
Yesterday night my phone rang a thousand times..sounded like sirens that pierced my ears...finally
I feel asleep..but a strange thing happened when I woke for a brief moment it was if you, a shadow
of you was in the room...
an end-soon- everything
I know will no longer know me
I think that you played with it this
gift and now, it will leave
leave you dreaming once again
but I think that is where you are most comfortable
in the dreaming.. cup half empty life- I am
Wednesday, November 21, 2007
I wish I could find away to bring peace
I wish I could feed the hungry but feed them well
and one day eat something their children have prepared
I wish I can hear the voices of people that
are silenced by fear and a day after that hear
I wish I could disrobe the darkened women and see
their glorious hair and skin and watch them
move their legs and arms to music
I wish I could and maybe just maybe i can
Tuesday, November 20, 2007
Monday, November 19, 2007
She looked over
and she saw them
she took a mental photograph
to make sure they where truly there
then she said look my love, your
soul(sole) has something common
he said I just polished mine and it is
nice and shiny....
she looked away for a moment
but afraid that they had faded
she looked again
Thursday, November 15, 2007
I had this dream off you love, may I share...
I walked down your hallway-it was bright from sunlight a slight dusting in my eyes- I kept walking
and there you where in a room with a high ceiling- you where standing in front of your easel painting with colors that where alive, love alive, I mean they spoke back and moved by themselves on the canvas-and in the room people and caracteres that you spoke about, wrote about where watching you love....you told me to stay silent-so I would not be noticed.... by your side a pile high of green wine bottles, I asked if I could have them-to much to carry I rolled them all the way down the bright sun lit hallway..down the stairs and into the yard next to your paintings, I think the one of me was there?..I made a tree for you love and ran upstairs to find you, I called out your name, twice maybe more, the room was colorless now, the hallway shaded I walked down the stairs- i think I felt scared and cold, as I walked back into the yard I looked at the tree and heard you call out to me love, there you where.. you myshkin in every bottle-
I am not sure about many things lately
I have allot of questions to ask
but allot of questions that needed
answers long ago
I have felt an exhaustion
emotional flu perhaps, I have
found lots of inspiration around
me- but running with it has been
I think I am tired now and the simple
things that have kept me company
words from a book of seasons - perhaps have disappeared and
I think how lucky for them to have escaped
all of this- perhaps I will stop now
till I can run again.
Tuesday, November 13, 2007
Monday, November 12, 2007
Today I travelled the back roads
of Vermont. The landscape
was breath taking. I visited the farm
again-and liked how it made me feel.
What I do not understand on this day is
How al gore got the noble peace prize,
don't get me wrong, good work-but
his? I am feeling a little confused about
the war-how is it that it still is.
I know it is not possible- but i wondered
if a young teacher trekking thru a war zone
area into a bullet embedded school-trying truly
to educate and teach little children who have lost
family and maybe even hope-is it possible for someone
like that to ever get the noble PEACE prize?
Friday, November 9, 2007
This weekend I will be going home
to visit my sister and her new
love. I am extremely happy for her
and she truly deserves it, but I must confess
to you I am scared of many things and having
doubts about my departure.
I believe that seeing them together, will make me
smile more than make me sad, I think it will feel
like a family, but that is what frightens me- will
he sit me done for an intervention like some sunday night movie
(like a brother)- letting me know
that the man I call love, is not a love at all-
I already having trouble breathing just thinking of the conversation
how i would like to argue back, but I won't, and I will see any traces
of pride that I desperately tried to hold on too disappear and I will melt and my heart will make it's
Please do not get me wrong I know I live in the land
of make believe where the man who loves me more than
anyone-who thinks I am made from his imagination, that
he would have loved me at any age, is the same man who
I have never done so many things- a man who erases me
at night and weekends- he will say things like I thought about
you the whole time..and don't go to mongolia without me- and we
will go on lots of drives and walks-and- and
so you see I am aware of the my make believe, but it is going to hurt
like hell to hear out loud how he is just for pretend and I know
I will not be able to argue, because they will all be right about my make
believe man...........I can't even breathe. and I think this post has just wiped out
any traces of pride................
I like it here, my mornings
I get up from my bed and peek around
for jacob, he looks at me and I
get up form my bed and make it right
away(since I was a little girl it has always been the first thing)
I wash my face and hands
I turn on the computer
I take a spoon of oil and start oil pulling,
I check my mail and read a few posts
I let jacob out and watch him from the cold
steps of my porch, he is slower now and
I try not to think about it, i must not...I
look at the garden and the changes taking place..
my feet and hands are cold now
I put on the fire it has gotten chilly,
but in an hour or two the door to the garden will be
open because the house will get very warm...(balancing
act I have yet to perfect)
I get rid of the oil and brush my teeth, trying not
to stare in the mirror, don't
I turn the espresso machine on and wait for the little green
light, I do any dishes, vacuuming, sweeping and a a final wipe down of the
counters. I take a glass from the cupboard, my glass
I place two spoons of chocolate, and make my mocha,the first sip
is my favorite.
I put orange peels on the fire and the house now has a sweet smell
that lingers over my red stool and I sit.
I think it is in their simplicity that I have found mornings to be a joy.
Thursday, November 8, 2007
I’m just gonna come right out and say it.
I called because I feel as if I’m madly in love with you.
That probably sounds pretty crazy. I’ll admit it. But I finally gave up trying to shrug it off.
I thought, being married, maybe we could at least get together once in awhile, as friends, and enjoy each other’s company.
I'm unable to get together tonight, this Friday...
You can call me anytime
My only available number is at work:
LOVE, please don't feel guilty- you see you layed done the rules from the very start, I just got tangled up...
Tuesday, November 6, 2007
This evening, while exploring life thru someone else eyes
I realized something
or perhaps recognized a trace from the earlier me...
I think this world is beautiful and large and I look forward in meeting people
from all over this land ,I will see their smiles, their wrinkles and hands
pale and the sun drenched,
I am in love with the colors
that I have yet to see for myself and the flavors I have not tasted
I will hear
the words like friend and love in many different languages and
in return say thanks in mine or better yet in theirs.
I will know what tired is from hard work and and I will get tired from playing
I will sleep in places that welcome me and fall a sleep under shaded trees
I will touch waters from rivers and streams and swim
in foreign waters, I will hear music that will make me cry
and instruments that will have me dancing....
I will read powerful words and others that will keep me dreaming
I will write about my travels and my thoughts and my solitude
I know more heartache will come and I know i will fall deeply again
So do not worry about me love- if I am bit melancholy today-
tomorrow will come
dear myshkin I miss it
you know.... that place
where you where gentle and kind
I miss the warmth of you promises
the kindness in your eyes
I miss it.... the possibilities of dreams
yours and mine...I miss you believing
and the part about faith...do your remember?
it was just yesterday, it was in every visit, every
telephone ring, every other word it was in the touch of your
hand and the traces you left behind while with me
Those words played in my head like
big loud construction machines........
I realize that it was not that you had nothing-but
that somewhere out there you held out hope for more
you are waiting for more...
I realized that fiction is not a lie nor is it not real- it is just something without fact
Monday, November 5, 2007
Sunday, November 4, 2007
Saturday, November 3, 2007
I hear the branches move in the wind(barely)
there is no speeding car outside my window
no dog barking, no heavy machinery.
i can hear myself type and the sound
is delicately sweet and so is my evening.
i will wake before sun light and take a trip
up north where the land is screaming with silence
and I with joy.....
Friday, November 2, 2007
love, this photograph is for you..it will always be here even when we are no longer
I woke up this morning
feeling like I had just gone
thru the larges rain storm
of my life, I can't explain the
feeling I had, everything about
me is different, the way I walk,
the way I brushed my teeth, even the
way the light looks in my home.
What I did not know when I went to bed
last night and that I do know now, is that
I do not want it to end, till I am gone, love
is that okay.........
Thursday, November 1, 2007
I find your writings to be
inspiring to me they seem to be
like a a bird who just discovered he
could fly and he does just that, fly....
You asked to know more, everything
thing on these pages are me, some are little
glimpse of my day, my night, some are of the
rawness of pain and others the simple joys of
My skin is pale, as young girl I did not know
this, funny I know, because of my heritage I just
assumed I was olive skinned, I like being pale..
I am dreamer yes, but I have always been good
at making them come true, I also believed that I
was given a special insight and instinct and that
has brought me many wonderful experiences thru out
my life but lately the machine is broken so much so
that my instinct has thrown me of the cliff and I am
in bits and pieces.........
I read your writings that seem to be pointed in my direction
and I know they are puzzles but I understand them well
I understand ....what that all means I do not know
I am me and I do not want to be anything else than me, people
say that I am everything they want, then do there very best to change
me....and when they do I turn into glass and when I turn into glass
It was my camera and i, I decided
to get a mocha and walk the east-side,
I thought it would be great to take
photographs of children in costume
and the houses that awaited them.
The evening weather could not be better
my mood good, even though my heart
was filled with him and what will never
be, I found myself in the moment and
I enjoyed it. The best part of the evening
was that I realized that I had shedded my
disguise and for the first time in a very long
time I was just myself, i was me.
Wednesday, October 31, 2007
This morning I woke up and found myself dancing in the living
Room, witch was odd, not the dancing I love dancing and do it randomly around my house, but the fact I was doing it even though I was filled with
Sadness. I did not give much thought till
This evening when water filled my eyes so quickly. I started to think about things…
All my life pretty much I have done everything I could to live the truth
Even if that meant not agreeing or hurting the people around me don’ get me wrong I think I did a pretty good job not intentionally hurting or causing pain to others. I think
What has been the toughest thing for me the last year and half love is in the difference of our childhoods and backgrounds. in my life I was a witness to lies and the consequences that came from them, my parents chose to live life in a lie not that they told a lies necessary, but that they chose not to live the truth
And in doing so they sacrificed a lot, hurt themselves and the people around them…and finally when they could bare it no longer they decided to live truer existence they chose to live life. I was there and there lies effected me and when I saw the freedom that came with living a truer life I truly saw how much they sacrificed
And now I know how they wished they could have done it sooner,because some things passed them by.
My love, it is the lie that has started to decay the lining of my heart,
Nothing is wrong with our truth, nothing. I am surrounded with you, him and her who choose to live in the lie, denying the truth because they think the truth would bring them more pain, but it wont I know, I truly know……
Whether we are together or not, it is you living a lie that I can not bare. to love you is to want you to live the truest life possible, that is our right, I heard said today, and before that by Thoreau give me experiences, family, success even love but without truth I can not live, I know this love, I know this …….
No one judges a man who wants to live a true life but he will forever judge himself for living an untrue one…………………….
So I think I danced in my living room this morning because I realized that I truely loved you enough to let you
go, we always laughed at cliche but I finaly understood this one............
Tuesday, October 30, 2007
Monday, October 29, 2007
Sunday, October 28, 2007
Wednesday, October 24, 2007
Sometimes in baseball
a player comes into a team
with such promise, you believe
in him and what he can do, you hear
all about it everywhere(he even tells you himself and you believe), in what he can do
how great he can bat.....but after awhile
after numerous(numerous) times at bat without one hit
out of the park you stop believing and realize it is all
fiction not ment to be and a little bit after that
you start to think how much he has cost
you can call me fickle
but I believed for a very long time
Tuesday, October 23, 2007
I will find this place
and one day after I have settled in
perhaps a wednesday I will
wait by the mailbox
for a book you have
I will tare the package open and start
reading right there in the middle of my nowhere
and when I am done, i will whisper
to you all that you made me feel
and finally when my eyes and head
become tired my heart will daydream
about providence and the love, love
we swam in.....
Monday, October 22, 2007
Friday, October 19, 2007
Thursday, October 18, 2007
I remember mornings
when I would wake up
excited, the kind of excitement
that would have me saying things
like "good-morning bird, good-morning
flowers good-morning bees, good-morning
I miss the feeling, I wonder if
I would feel like that every-morning for
15 years of waking up next to you......