About Me

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i moved where my heart had drifted off to long before. i live on a hill of hundred acres, where my dreams have merged with the view. it is quiet from machine noises yet loud with sounds of horses, dogs, cats chickens and ducks. nature is the true artist in resident and i am just her apprentice who often gets lost in her gaze. once and a while i travel back to cities and foreign places to put into photographs what i have learned, yet always, part of my heart is left on the hill..

Friday, December 12, 2008

breathing


my head layed on his chest, i could hear him breath no i felt it. he breathes then i, then him, then i, then him
i hold my breath now so i can catch up to his, i let go ..... now one breath, one single movement, johny playing in the background
and us there on the couch, not his place , not mine but our moment, a moment like no other where innocence still existed, i miss the person i was there in the space, my head against his chest our stillness moving moutains, our stillness stiring life deep within me...

Thursday, December 11, 2008

why are you holding on


let go, don't travel down the rivers of my veins and
don't stay in my heart it is not safe there, broken and condemned
it can fall at anytime.

Tuesday, November 25, 2008

you are not him


i saw you there, dressed like him in your long black coat and hat, i tried not to look and for a moment or two it worked. but when i turned again i saw, it was you. i wanted to cross the street, i wanted to disappear so i started walking fast thinking how can this be. when i said goodbye i thought it meant you would seize to exist i believed it, naive of me i know, but wasn't i all along. all i could think about as i rushed through the darkened city streets, please, please, i don't want to hear your voice i don't want you to look at me and i at you ..now i realized i was running and all the night lights where playing with me. then i heard it, my name my heart ached instantly as feet stopped, my body begged for mercy. i knew you were right there behind me and tears began to fall, then your hand touched my back as i turned around- it wasn't you, him was not you i stood there with tears among the traffic lights, cars and watched my heart fall to the sidewalk floor..all of it, to much...

peaches


i lie in bed restless thinking why have i spent all these nights awake and what am i meant to do with all this extra time. i ask myself these questions every once and a while but the answers never come. tonight i lay here and odd things enter my head like peaches, library sinks, i think about lies and oil changes, i think of bald heads and hairy backs, i think about cowards then i wonder how dare these thoughts waste my time. then my lips part as i say out-loud " i should have checked if he had a heart beat"....and for some reason this brings me peace and just like that all those thoughts disappear and i can hear the rain again it has been falling steady since midnight and i now know that the rain will not turn to snow like promised, so i pull the blankets closer to me as i listen to it fall hoping that somehow my eyes will begin to close and i will sleep...

Saturday, November 22, 2008

the car



i am staring out the window of the car, barely any leaves left on the trees yet the sun shines bright i am following it with my eyes. he is looking at me while he drives and i try not to think about it. he says my name and i like how it sounds but i keep looking out the window. i want to tell him to stop the car, get out and hold me but i don't. he is staring at me i could feel it I want to say stop but i don't because that is a beginning of a dangerous conversation, then i think of you and i hate it and makes me angry that you have somehow entered my thoughts and this car. i stare hard out the window now and there is boys playing football and i want to tell them to be better than their highest expectations... he says my name again and now i just want this car to stop and i want to be on the outside of it but all i could say is 'i hope it snows'...he says you look like snow. i can't respond. he is quiet now as the car begins to slow then stop. we are here now but i don't want to get out and somehow i have forgotten how to breathe but i can't stay so i step out and as i do my voice begins to crack and i don't stare back at him-as i say, can you hold me but he does'nt hear me and he says can you say it again please but i can't .....

Thursday, November 20, 2008

skin




lately i have been giving some thought to my skin, when i felt it and when i was conscious of it. I think when i was young if i would scrape it then i knew it was there. then i started to think about when i felt good in it, when it felt alive and i realized it was when in the company of someone else. i remembered my rosy cheeks and conciseness of the skin i was in, i remembered the paleness of it that would take a rosy glow once i had experienced intimacy our genuine happiness, laughter and newness.

I realized that how the skin reacted to those things and how good it felt and how youthful it made me feel. Later i started to think why does it take love or passion? i know i have experienced it after a dip in the ocean, or a facial or a great hike but nothing like the makeover of being in love or experiencing love. I look at myself lately and i see non of it..no sign of love or youthfulness then i wonder before you came was it there this feeling of fitting in to ones skin? I want to answer yes, because i was independent, i ate well i took care of my skin stayed out the sun..and knew i looked young but did i feel it..was i conscious of it...and if it is'nt possible to achieve without a grand passion.. and will these new lines disappear if love finds me again..will i run out of the house with rosy cheeks, will someone at the cafe say you look radiant,, will i catch a glimpse of myself in the mirror and like what i see, will i stretch out on to the bed and feel every morsel of skin. i ask myself does the skin sleep till passion fills every crevasse...

Sunday, November 9, 2008

no not the same


you asked if my smile was the same
and if my hair was still long
a second later you asked if my eyes still sparkled
and if my skin was still rosey and pale...

you asked me why i as was so quiet, you said hello
hello in the receiver as if the line got diconnected

disconnected, yes.

those things no longer apply to me, perhaps the long hair..
but i still drink mochas, read russian litterature, i have two dogs but there not the same ones, i know longer practice, i cry when i am happy and now i cry when i am sad and sometimes when i am mad and i am all those things a lot of the time.

Thursday, November 6, 2008

a new day


i had this dream that something like this could happen, but somehow i thought it was also possible to loose faith, that the light could go out yet we would be forced to live in some uncomfortable darkness..not expecting change, not having the right or courage to ask for it..but then it happened that thing we call justice, purpose , trust .... he did it ..you did it, they did it
and i sat here whispering yes we did..and now he will and we will help.

Monday, November 3, 2008

time for change


waiting for the biggest change of all. I want to speak to you and let you know that tomorrow we have the power to profoundly change the course of the missile that bush launched 8 long years ago. although being a canadian living in the us, i do not have the right to vote( i would like to get into that but i won't) I will be working at the civic center from dawn till night, the civic center is the place where those who have not registered can register and vote on the same day. I wish i could speak to every single person coming into that building specially the ones that don't believe in fundamental change, those who are stuck in generational voting based on what there parents church and peers have always done, because this is not there fight- this is not their vote it is yours. Your vote should be based on what? on facts and what you have experience in the last 8 years. I could list some of those we have in common such has gas, prices, the cost of groceries at your local supermarket, the changes taking place at your work place, a war that you seem to ignore yet takes money right out of your children's education not to mention has killed your neighbors children perhaps even yours... it is the tension and home that has caused stress in your marriage, the summer vacation that had to be tweaked, the sport you did 'nt encourage your son or daughter to take part in... or maybe it is even deeper that- maybe it is guilt for voting for someone who did not have your family's best at heart, one who ignore your pleads and told the rest of the world you don't care ...

so listen you get a second chance to make things right for you, your family, neighbors and for the world..do the right thing vote for a man who has promised to make your life better, a man who knows that his work will be the toughest of any president before him, a man that knows he will be shoveling this country out of a mountain of dirt, a man who knows you and your needs, worries and what you treasure most.....

Please vote for what you know is right and what is right right now is OBAMA..

Tuesday, October 28, 2008

when the sound you hear changes everything....


when you are woken by the sound of rain it is bittersweet. at first you listen to it as it hits different places of your home, your window your roof..and you love the sound. your eyes begin to open and the room is darker and you like it. you pull in your blanket closer to you and think maybe i will linger here a little longer. then you begin to think of your day at what you had planned for it and now that too must change. there will be no walk in the woods with a friend, no raking leaves in the garden...but perhaps you will stay nestled in comfy clothes and work on that project you have been putting of, perhaps you will make that recipe that you have been wanting to try...maybe you will make a pot of tea and curl up and watch the italian movie you ordered from netflixs...but then you think, maybe you won't change anything and you will put on your wellies, and rummage for a good raincoat, fill your thermos with something hot and go for a walk....just maybe you will do that...

Monday, October 20, 2008

air


i feel the cold. my hands begin to seek the comfort of my pocket and i move my head to the left to avoid the cold air that rushes
towards me. i hear the sound of the leaves on the ground as i walk over them..dried and frail are the twigs that have fallen in my path. my head now looks down enough to shield itself from this bitter wind, my hands hidden safely from the cold
i walk faster now towards home

Friday, October 10, 2008

early morning at the cafe


it is early morning and i park
my car in empty parking lot
and walk to the front door of the cafe
as i open the door i am greeted with
mozart that quickly changes to country?
I sit at the corner, get myself situated
plug my lap top, wish I hand a book instead
what i mean is i wish that it was back then
before all this

i walk to the counter and i am greeted by newlywed tiffany
she hands me a card with my name on it written with a sharpie pen
it is  thank you card with a gift inside. I order my soy extra ice mocha,
but she is quick and it is already made. I look at the case of morning pastries
then look away and before i can stop myself i say i will have
a pumpkin scone please, oh gosh i never order such a thing
and considering that my waist line has grown since i started blogging
i wonder now is that just me? i return back to the table
and now louis armstrong is playing and i start to remember my cafe
and how louis armstrong would play as i got everything ready for the first customer...

now people start to trickle in, i hear every voice clearly
I hear the noise their shoes make as they hit the tile
i look out the window as i sip my first sip, the sky is changing
it is a lovely pale blue with hints of gold
I am wondering about my day now, but quickly i say
to myself, be here in this moment don't rush morning

i love this time of day.

Thursday, October 9, 2008

Monday, October 6, 2008

the smell in the kitchen


loved that we watched elegy in bed inthe middle of the afternoon
loved the smell of apple crisp baking in the oven
i love the spiral staircase that takes me to you
i loved the sun drenched walk in the city on saturday
i loved that i survived the dogs
i loved that he had a key and he did not hate me knocking at 6 am asking for it back
i loved that i survived you saying you did not want to be my friend
any more while you leaned on your pick up truck
i love that i would never do that to you
i love the smell of tomatoes, basil and garlic that travelled up the spiral staircase
i dropped the mirror and heard it crack, but i love that i did not get sad about it
loved even more when i uttered to myself "just try to give me seven years of bad luck"
i loved when i turned that song up really loud and danced in the kitchen
i loved all of it..well  almost!

Thursday, October 2, 2008

opera

Wednesday, October 1, 2008

Tuesday, September 30, 2008

Thursday, September 25, 2008

c. you

this is for you carl. i understand it and it is lovely and grown up.

Monday, September 22, 2008

trying to convince you i am not made of stone




i started this blog a year ago, it was a place of my very own, a place i could write things that troubled me; pain, heartache and loss. it was also a place where i discovered that in those things lay something beautiful something that cried desperately to live again fully.

it is a year now and not too much has changed yet nothing is the same, i walk around as if i made of stone and that i will not be affected by peoples actions or words- then feel my heart ache when ohers treat me like so.

i am not made out stone, i am not made out of stone iam not made out of stone... i am not

Friday, September 19, 2008

Monday, September 15, 2008

bees.

i am grateful for the sound of the fiddle you played for me
i am grateful for running into you and your orange shorts
i am grateful for the light that pours into this house
i am grateful for the taste of lemon on my lips
i am grateful for feeling things without feeling things
i am grateful for the tears that are brought on by your harsh words
they gave me a fever.

i am grateful that i am not dead
i am grateful that i am living.
i am grateful that in the rain i do not get wet
i am grateful that is so much more to learn, to feel to express
i am grateful that.........the funniest songs can be played on pandora
i am grateful that i did not kill bees.

Wednesday, September 10, 2008

i do not like sarah palin

i think it is long overdue to have a woman in the white house but just like if i had not eaten in days, i would not choose to eat a spoon of poison but instead wait for something whole and substantial

mr. john mccain i think you have done good things
but i think that if you were to be honest with yourself
you would see that your time has passed, that being elected
would be a risk for your country and if you put your country first
then you must start now.

dear undecided, i am not sure how that is possible- in good conscious
how can you choose anything but real change, hope and promise?

Tuesday, September 9, 2008

Monday, September 8, 2008

dans une boite que je ferme avec une clef-une boite juste pour moi

Nadia,


Je visitais sur la base du hasard ton blogue que je connaissais beaucoup moins, La porte rouge (j'ai compris maintenant que ta couleur de prédilection est le rouge). Bien sûr, il s'agit d'un bien joli blogue, les photographies que l'on y retrouve, comme sur One silent winter, sont exquises et encadrées dans une esthétique qui balaie du revers de la main les bases du formalisme en tant que matériau d'expression. Il s'agit d'une fenêtre ouverte sur ton environnement immédiat et, parfois, plus élargie. Il s'agit, en réalité, de toi. Au moins une lézarde dans une partie de ta vie, et par laquelle, pour nous qui accédons à cet univers, tu te rends à certains égards transparente. Un peu comme le trou dans la serrure d'une ancienne porte. Une porte rouge, oui, si tu veux. Toutefois, cette présentation de la partie de ta vie que tu veux bien offrir suppose un travail de création. Une mise en scène, quoi. On prépare le terrain, on ajoute ceci, on retranche cela. Un peu comme un théâtre, non? Voilà, on pourrait dire que tes blogues prennent la forme d'un véritable théâtre muet. Des images circulent - je dirais même se structurent dans une sorte de parade -, elles passent, elles murmurent sur la base d'un frêle frémissement quelquefois, tu sais, comme une sensation rafraîchissante d'un amour nouveau, le frisson que sa pensée peut procurer en superficie du coeur. Théâtre, donc. Mais tout cet univers théâtral me paraît si construit, si bien aménagé, que j'en reçois aussi, par ailleurs, parfois, un sentiment de fragilité, comme si un filet de brise, un grain de sable qu'il apporterait jusque dans sa mécanique, l'ombre d'un nuage encore pourraient, à tout moment, jeter au sol cette architecture teinte d'un certain art, sinon la briser, du moins en disloquer la structure. Voilà, je sens une grande fragilité entourant l'univers de chacun de tes blogues. Un peu aussi comme une lumière de cristal: le soir finit toujours par survenir et tout se tait. Les rideaux du théâtre se referment sur un monde de surface.
Au théâtre se trouvent des personnages aux caractères divers. Tu évoques parfois, en nous la montrant dans différents moments de sa vie, ta chienne Sophie. Parfois il nous a aussi été donné de voir des enfants égayés sur tes blogues, une petite fille (peut-être la tienne) à la chevelure quasi mystique et gonflée de vent. J'ai déjà aperçu un magnifique cheval qui, par l'éclat de sa présence dans un contexte climatique d'une beauté poétique, sinon onirique, semblait appartenir à un conte médiéval. Et il a été fait mention, tout dernièrement, d'un homme que tu racontais être ton mari. Je t'avoue que je fus sidéré d'apprendre que tu étais mariée. Je m'étais, depuis que nous échangeons quelques courriels de temps à autre, rangé derrière l'idée solide comme un barrage que tu vivais seule dans ta maison, avec ta chienne Sophie. Par ailleurs, je n'ai jamais pu réellement souffler le nuage de mystère avec lequel tu voiles ta vie quotidienne, concrète. Tu t'entoures, délibérément ou non, je ne sais pas, d'un grand drap derrière lequel nous ne pouvons t'apercevoir. Ce que tu acceptes de placer sur tes blogues finit par aviver l'idée chez moi selon laquelle tu ouvres un chemin sur lequel tu espères que les visiteurs marcheront. Tu les diriges. Je parlais de théâtre. Au théâtre, tout est contrôlé, calculé, évalué.
Voilà ce que j'avais envie de te raconter aujourd'hui.
Bonne journée.
Au revoir.

monday


i am happy you are here.

Thursday, September 4, 2008

a dogs life


sleep, sleep, sleep she does it perfectly
perhaps i can learn form her.

Monday, September 1, 2008

not sure what to say


i am pointing down, but i sure would like to go up
i do not know what to say
i am happier, i know it
i do not know what to say
i am growing, or is it opening
i do not know what to say
i like when blueberries stain my fingers
i do not know what to say
i think people are not scared of karma
i do not know what to say
why not

i do not know what to say
so i was wondering if you can say something...

Monday, August 25, 2008

pretty good..


in a moment just one pure clear moment, that only last a second or two you say to yourself " it is okay, the pain, the misdiagnosis,the un worthy friend, the aches, the fragile heart, the lake made by my own tears...

you say it's okay- because what i have now is pretty good....okay in fact.

then there is sophie, and a new home with gorgeous spiral staircase, there is the smell of fresh paint, and weeds to pull, there is dinner last night when your hand took mine and i knew it will always be okay-just cloudy some days...

Thursday, August 21, 2008

fresh air





i miss you and i miss our hikes
i miss the sound of your voice and
the crips moutain top....

Wednesday, August 20, 2008

Porter
i miss you everyday
you were loving and sweet and kind
your eyes full of warmth
thank you for being by my side
dear companion.
( i'm sorry i could not give more life)

Friday, August 15, 2008

by chance





i wish i could walk towards the light till i bumped into ghandi, tolstoy, mozart, einstein, mother Teresa, mr. king....or my grandmother just have a few questions.... or maybe i am in need of answers to ones i have already asked
no just your presence would do..just by the of chance you dropped your handkerchief, a strand of beads, or you would like to work on the speed of light formula, or maybe you would like to play me a symphony that your working on, or you might want me to read the new novel you just finished....or maybe we can bake together while you talk about egypt.....or maybe you can tell me how to get people to elect hope , just maybe by chance
we can meet?

Thursday, August 14, 2008

a foot in the dirt





i took so many things for granted, while chasing dreams that were made from to many russian novels. Then i saw you standing in the garden with your feet in the dirt, was this the first time? did you ever walk without shoes on your feet on the grass before? my head started spinning- i realised i had so much to learn that fifteen years was not enough, special when many of them had me running in the wrong direction. I spent a whole time wondering why you did'not learn me, never once asking why i had not studied your feet.

Tuesday, August 12, 2008

the train and a husband




it was odd for me to pick him up there, but there is something beautiful
about industrial spaces that make it hard for me to ignore.....I feel very feminine in
such spaces like these.

clouds



you asked me yesterday about my likes and dislikes

i like clouds.

Sunday, August 10, 2008

happy birthday dylan


sometimes when everything is going okay, i get nervous
that i am not going be in the moment.

truth is just now i was thinking,

I want my heart to skip a beat or two
i want ot giggle when i am nervous and cry when i am happy
i want to lay my back on the moss in the forest and i want to feel dizzy
with revelation.

Thursday, August 7, 2008

how much is that dog in the window.......


i took this picture the other day because i loved the window
but for some reason it is making smile and wanting to sing a familiar tune!

Wednesday, August 6, 2008

i like the rain very much
i like how it breaks the quietness as it falls
each sound different as i go from room to room

Tuesday, August 5, 2008

Monday, August 4, 2008

no water after midnight


there is so much i want to write about
like my weekend on the lake, my new house......

but all i can think about is sophie and how i want her to be
alright today, how i want her surgery to be over and how
i want her to to be healthy.

i am also thinking of the surgery itself and how did we come about
decided that dogs shouldn't mate. How come of all animals(exception i guess would be cats)
have that choice. aren't dogs from a pack and don't pack animals mate for life.
I have so many questions rolling about in my head and it makes my heart hurt.

Sophie I deeply sorry, for choosing this for you without asking.....

Wednesday, July 30, 2008

the arrival of happiness


it is here, because i feel it in my toes and
on my lips.

it is here because, when i stretch i really stretch

it is here because you moved back to hick town by the beach

it is here because I found a new place to call home and it is my very own

it is here because i danced at six this morning

it is here because you and you tried to shake me and i didn't fall

it is here because it's right here whispering in my ear...........

Tuesday, July 29, 2008

oh my goodness, i think i did it!

Swimming


yesterday I went for swim. sometimes it feels
like the very first time.

last night a page out of book that was never written
played out.

Friday, July 25, 2008

found


i found these words today they are beautiful and sad and no they do not belong to me

i miss love in my heart, and you

Thursday, July 24, 2008


if i keep staring at it will it open.... last night decisions were made that will change everything
that will pull the safety net from under me...