About Me

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i moved where my heart had drifted off to long before. i live on a hill of hundred acres, where my dreams have merged with the view. it is quiet from machine noises yet loud with sounds of horses, dogs, cats chickens and ducks. nature is the true artist in resident and i am just her apprentice who often gets lost in her gaze. once and a while i travel back to cities and foreign places to put into photographs what i have learned, yet always, part of my heart is left on the hill..

Tuesday, November 25, 2008

you are not him

i saw you there, dressed like him in your long black coat and hat, i tried not to look and for a moment or two it worked. but when i turned again i saw, it was you. i wanted to cross the street, i wanted to disappear so i started walking fast thinking how can this be. when i said goodbye i thought it meant you would seize to exist i believed it, naive of me i know, but wasn't i all along. all i could think about as i rushed through the darkened city streets, please, please, i don't want to hear your voice i don't want you to look at me and i at you ..now i realized i was running and all the night lights where playing with me. then i heard it, my name my heart ached instantly as feet stopped, my body begged for mercy. i knew you were right there behind me and tears began to fall, then your hand touched my back as i turned around- it wasn't you, him was not you i stood there with tears among the traffic lights, cars and watched my heart fall to the sidewalk floor..all of it, to much...


i lie in bed restless thinking why have i spent all these nights awake and what am i meant to do with all this extra time. i ask myself these questions every once and a while but the answers never come. tonight i lay here and odd things enter my head like peaches, library sinks, i think about lies and oil changes, i think of bald heads and hairy backs, i think about cowards then i wonder how dare these thoughts waste my time. then my lips part as i say out-loud " i should have checked if he had a heart beat"....and for some reason this brings me peace and just like that all those thoughts disappear and i can hear the rain again it has been falling steady since midnight and i now know that the rain will not turn to snow like promised, so i pull the blankets closer to me as i listen to it fall hoping that somehow my eyes will begin to close and i will sleep...

Saturday, November 22, 2008

the car

i am staring out the window of the car, barely any leaves left on the trees yet the sun shines bright i am following it with my eyes. he is looking at me while he drives and i try not to think about it. he says my name and i like how it sounds but i keep looking out the window. i want to tell him to stop the car, get out and hold me but i don't. he is staring at me i could feel it I want to say stop but i don't because that is a beginning of a dangerous conversation, then i think of you and i hate it and makes me angry that you have somehow entered my thoughts and this car. i stare hard out the window now and there is boys playing football and i want to tell them to be better than their highest expectations... he says my name again and now i just want this car to stop and i want to be on the outside of it but all i could say is 'i hope it snows'...he says you look like snow. i can't respond. he is quiet now as the car begins to slow then stop. we are here now but i don't want to get out and somehow i have forgotten how to breathe but i can't stay so i step out and as i do my voice begins to crack and i don't stare back at him-as i say, can you hold me but he does'nt hear me and he says can you say it again please but i can't .....

Thursday, November 20, 2008


lately i have been giving some thought to my skin, when i felt it and when i was conscious of it. I think when i was young if i would scrape it then i knew it was there. then i started to think about when i felt good in it, when it felt alive and i realized it was when in the company of someone else. i remembered my rosy cheeks and conciseness of the skin i was in, i remembered the paleness of it that would take a rosy glow once i had experienced intimacy our genuine happiness, laughter and newness.

I realized that how the skin reacted to those things and how good it felt and how youthful it made me feel. Later i started to think why does it take love or passion? i know i have experienced it after a dip in the ocean, or a facial or a great hike but nothing like the makeover of being in love or experiencing love. I look at myself lately and i see non of it..no sign of love or youthfulness then i wonder before you came was it there this feeling of fitting in to ones skin? I want to answer yes, because i was independent, i ate well i took care of my skin stayed out the sun..and knew i looked young but did i feel it..was i conscious of it...and if it is'nt possible to achieve without a grand passion.. and will these new lines disappear if love finds me again..will i run out of the house with rosy cheeks, will someone at the cafe say you look radiant,, will i catch a glimpse of myself in the mirror and like what i see, will i stretch out on to the bed and feel every morsel of skin. i ask myself does the skin sleep till passion fills every crevasse...

Sunday, November 9, 2008

no not the same

you asked if my smile was the same
and if my hair was still long
a second later you asked if my eyes still sparkled
and if my skin was still rosey and pale...

you asked me why i as was so quiet, you said hello
hello in the receiver as if the line got diconnected

disconnected, yes.

those things no longer apply to me, perhaps the long hair..
but i still drink mochas, read russian litterature, i have two dogs but there not the same ones, i know longer practice, i cry when i am happy and now i cry when i am sad and sometimes when i am mad and i am all those things a lot of the time.

Thursday, November 6, 2008

a new day

i had this dream that something like this could happen, but somehow i thought it was also possible to loose faith, that the light could go out yet we would be forced to live in some uncomfortable darkness..not expecting change, not having the right or courage to ask for it..but then it happened that thing we call justice, purpose , trust .... he did it ..you did it, they did it
and i sat here whispering yes we did..and now he will and we will help.

Monday, November 3, 2008

time for change

waiting for the biggest change of all. I want to speak to you and let you know that tomorrow we have the power to profoundly change the course of the missile that bush launched 8 long years ago. although being a canadian living in the us, i do not have the right to vote( i would like to get into that but i won't) I will be working at the civic center from dawn till night, the civic center is the place where those who have not registered can register and vote on the same day. I wish i could speak to every single person coming into that building specially the ones that don't believe in fundamental change, those who are stuck in generational voting based on what there parents church and peers have always done, because this is not there fight- this is not their vote it is yours. Your vote should be based on what? on facts and what you have experience in the last 8 years. I could list some of those we have in common such has gas, prices, the cost of groceries at your local supermarket, the changes taking place at your work place, a war that you seem to ignore yet takes money right out of your children's education not to mention has killed your neighbors children perhaps even yours... it is the tension and home that has caused stress in your marriage, the summer vacation that had to be tweaked, the sport you did 'nt encourage your son or daughter to take part in... or maybe it is even deeper that- maybe it is guilt for voting for someone who did not have your family's best at heart, one who ignore your pleads and told the rest of the world you don't care ...

so listen you get a second chance to make things right for you, your family, neighbors and for the world..do the right thing vote for a man who has promised to make your life better, a man who knows that his work will be the toughest of any president before him, a man that knows he will be shoveling this country out of a mountain of dirt, a man who knows you and your needs, worries and what you treasure most.....

Please vote for what you know is right and what is right right now is OBAMA..