- i moved where my heart had drifted off to long before. i live on a hill of hundred acres, where my dreams have merged with the view. it is quiet from machine noises yet loud with sounds of horses, dogs, cats chickens and ducks. nature is the true artist in resident and i am just her apprentice who often gets lost in her gaze. once and a while i travel back to cities and foreign places to put into photographs what i have learned, yet always, part of my heart is left on the hill..
Friday, November 30, 2007
I often find myself awake
as the sun rises, but seldom
do I take notice.
Today I saw the sunrise
do you know how beautiful
it truly is to watch the night time
sky fade into the light
I watched it, the change is subtle at first
then like a beautiful sonata it opens up
and with it, one can't help but to be hopeful
Thursday, November 29, 2007
There is a pain like no other pain
when you discover you love a monster.....
a mix of anger-hurt- that has you
completely on your knees begging
for the end-
I would like to erase every
single memory and print a book, on how mothers should not name their boys c , and how fathers should take their sons heart in their hands and squeeze with a surreal force till their sons fall to the ground and when they do fathers should lean in and say, my son this is what monsters do...this is you
Tuesday, November 27, 2007
I wanted to write and let you know
that this morning the weather is
beautiful-A grey and blue sky with
the sun reaching out thru a humid air
I do not know how this happened
but this morning I feel strong
dare I say happy. Jacob and I
are able to communicate
to each other, in ways that can
never be explained...
I also have come to realize what I seem
to find to be the case- the people with hard exteriors
are most often the ones with tender hearts
and those with emotional(noble) exteriors
are way to often just that .
It is a lovely morning and I feel hopeful
Monday, November 26, 2007
I think it is happening the beginning of the end
or the end of the beginning...
I think I have learned
allot about myself but i must admit or perhaps
except I have given to much of myself and not enough
be still- I was afraid if
I stopped believing in you, you would stop believing in me
but I never once asked myself if i believed in me.......
I think I have strength in so many things, I know this because I have worked
hard to keep it that way, but I was always weak when it came to what I deserved
when It came to love..but I had a little of it and when you have a little you
learn to protect it, but when someone takes it all something
wonderful could happen-
you are left with nothing so you begin to hope for everything
Sunday, November 25, 2007
there is a window that frames
a japanese maple tree
this tree has turned bright
red, a beautiful red
I have stared at it for a few days
now, but today I found myself sitting by the window
I could look deep into it, almost like a dream
I spoted a tiny bird that was perched on a branch in the very center,
of the red tree ,the small bird was looking around, I think he knew he was lucky
to have found this red tree
I stared at it for a while, I think I got lost in
it, because suddenly a man interrupted my dreaming
and said young lady you are framed by the window
and your back drop is this beautiful tree, just lovely he said, just lovely
i looked up at him wanted to tell him I was dreaming
and how he interrupted me- but I realized he must have seen it to
the bird at the window....
Friday, November 23, 2007
the people in the city have disappeared and left behind a quietness I have not heard in a while
I am sensitive today...I recognize the fragility as if , I have been wrapped with new skin .....
I must now tread carefully...so many things come to mind, but never a whole thought..just fragments..
perhaps a whole thought would be to much to swallow.
Yesterday night my phone rang a thousand times..sounded like sirens that pierced my ears...finally
I feel asleep..but a strange thing happened when I woke for a brief moment it was if you, a shadow
of you was in the room...
an end-soon- everything
I know will no longer know me
I think that you played with it this
gift and now, it will leave
leave you dreaming once again
but I think that is where you are most comfortable
in the dreaming.. cup half empty life- I am
Wednesday, November 21, 2007
I wish I could find away to bring peace
I wish I could feed the hungry but feed them well
and one day eat something their children have prepared
I wish I can hear the voices of people that
are silenced by fear and a day after that hear
I wish I could disrobe the darkened women and see
their glorious hair and skin and watch them
move their legs and arms to music
I wish I could and maybe just maybe i can
Tuesday, November 20, 2007
Monday, November 19, 2007
She looked over
and she saw them
she took a mental photograph
to make sure they where truly there
then she said look my love, your
soul(sole) has something common
he said I just polished mine and it is
nice and shiny....
she looked away for a moment
but afraid that they had faded
she looked again
Thursday, November 15, 2007
I had this dream off you love, may I share...
I walked down your hallway-it was bright from sunlight a slight dusting in my eyes- I kept walking
and there you where in a room with a high ceiling- you where standing in front of your easel painting with colors that where alive, love alive, I mean they spoke back and moved by themselves on the canvas-and in the room people and caracteres that you spoke about, wrote about where watching you love....you told me to stay silent-so I would not be noticed.... by your side a pile high of green wine bottles, I asked if I could have them-to much to carry I rolled them all the way down the bright sun lit hallway..down the stairs and into the yard next to your paintings, I think the one of me was there?..I made a tree for you love and ran upstairs to find you, I called out your name, twice maybe more, the room was colorless now, the hallway shaded I walked down the stairs- i think I felt scared and cold, as I walked back into the yard I looked at the tree and heard you call out to me love, there you where.. you myshkin in every bottle-
I am not sure about many things lately
I have allot of questions to ask
but allot of questions that needed
answers long ago
I have felt an exhaustion
emotional flu perhaps, I have
found lots of inspiration around
me- but running with it has been
I think I am tired now and the simple
things that have kept me company
words from a book of seasons - perhaps have disappeared and
I think how lucky for them to have escaped
all of this- perhaps I will stop now
till I can run again.
Tuesday, November 13, 2007
Monday, November 12, 2007
Today I travelled the back roads
of Vermont. The landscape
was breath taking. I visited the farm
again-and liked how it made me feel.
What I do not understand on this day is
How al gore got the noble peace prize,
don't get me wrong, good work-but
his? I am feeling a little confused about
the war-how is it that it still is.
I know it is not possible- but i wondered
if a young teacher trekking thru a war zone
area into a bullet embedded school-trying truly
to educate and teach little children who have lost
family and maybe even hope-is it possible for someone
like that to ever get the noble PEACE prize?
Friday, November 9, 2007
This weekend I will be going home
to visit my sister and her new
love. I am extremely happy for her
and she truly deserves it, but I must confess
to you I am scared of many things and having
doubts about my departure.
I believe that seeing them together, will make me
smile more than make me sad, I think it will feel
like a family, but that is what frightens me- will
he sit me done for an intervention like some sunday night movie
(like a brother)- letting me know
that the man I call love, is not a love at all-
I already having trouble breathing just thinking of the conversation
how i would like to argue back, but I won't, and I will see any traces
of pride that I desperately tried to hold on too disappear and I will melt and my heart will make it's
Please do not get me wrong I know I live in the land
of make believe where the man who loves me more than
anyone-who thinks I am made from his imagination, that
he would have loved me at any age, is the same man who
I have never done so many things- a man who erases me
at night and weekends- he will say things like I thought about
you the whole time..and don't go to mongolia without me- and we
will go on lots of drives and walks-and- and
so you see I am aware of the my make believe, but it is going to hurt
like hell to hear out loud how he is just for pretend and I know
I will not be able to argue, because they will all be right about my make
believe man...........I can't even breathe. and I think this post has just wiped out
any traces of pride................
I like it here, my mornings
I get up from my bed and peek around
for jacob, he looks at me and I
get up form my bed and make it right
away(since I was a little girl it has always been the first thing)
I wash my face and hands
I turn on the computer
I take a spoon of oil and start oil pulling,
I check my mail and read a few posts
I let jacob out and watch him from the cold
steps of my porch, he is slower now and
I try not to think about it, i must not...I
look at the garden and the changes taking place..
my feet and hands are cold now
I put on the fire it has gotten chilly,
but in an hour or two the door to the garden will be
open because the house will get very warm...(balancing
act I have yet to perfect)
I get rid of the oil and brush my teeth, trying not
to stare in the mirror, don't
I turn the espresso machine on and wait for the little green
light, I do any dishes, vacuuming, sweeping and a a final wipe down of the
counters. I take a glass from the cupboard, my glass
I place two spoons of chocolate, and make my mocha,the first sip
is my favorite.
I put orange peels on the fire and the house now has a sweet smell
that lingers over my red stool and I sit.
I think it is in their simplicity that I have found mornings to be a joy.
Thursday, November 8, 2007
I’m just gonna come right out and say it.
I called because I feel as if I’m madly in love with you.
That probably sounds pretty crazy. I’ll admit it. But I finally gave up trying to shrug it off.
I thought, being married, maybe we could at least get together once in awhile, as friends, and enjoy each other’s company.
I'm unable to get together tonight, this Friday...
You can call me anytime
My only available number is at work:
LOVE, please don't feel guilty- you see you layed done the rules from the very start, I just got tangled up...
Tuesday, November 6, 2007
This evening, while exploring life thru someone else eyes
I realized something
or perhaps recognized a trace from the earlier me...
I think this world is beautiful and large and I look forward in meeting people
from all over this land ,I will see their smiles, their wrinkles and hands
pale and the sun drenched,
I am in love with the colors
that I have yet to see for myself and the flavors I have not tasted
I will hear
the words like friend and love in many different languages and
in return say thanks in mine or better yet in theirs.
I will know what tired is from hard work and and I will get tired from playing
I will sleep in places that welcome me and fall a sleep under shaded trees
I will touch waters from rivers and streams and swim
in foreign waters, I will hear music that will make me cry
and instruments that will have me dancing....
I will read powerful words and others that will keep me dreaming
I will write about my travels and my thoughts and my solitude
I know more heartache will come and I know i will fall deeply again
So do not worry about me love- if I am bit melancholy today-
tomorrow will come
dear myshkin I miss it
you know.... that place
where you where gentle and kind
I miss the warmth of you promises
the kindness in your eyes
I miss it.... the possibilities of dreams
yours and mine...I miss you believing
and the part about faith...do your remember?
it was just yesterday, it was in every visit, every
telephone ring, every other word it was in the touch of your
hand and the traces you left behind while with me
Those words played in my head like
big loud construction machines........
I realize that it was not that you had nothing-but
that somewhere out there you held out hope for more
you are waiting for more...
I realized that fiction is not a lie nor is it not real- it is just something without fact
Monday, November 5, 2007
Sunday, November 4, 2007
Saturday, November 3, 2007
I hear the branches move in the wind(barely)
there is no speeding car outside my window
no dog barking, no heavy machinery.
i can hear myself type and the sound
is delicately sweet and so is my evening.
i will wake before sun light and take a trip
up north where the land is screaming with silence
and I with joy.....
Friday, November 2, 2007
love, this photograph is for you..it will always be here even when we are no longer
I woke up this morning
feeling like I had just gone
thru the larges rain storm
of my life, I can't explain the
feeling I had, everything about
me is different, the way I walk,
the way I brushed my teeth, even the
way the light looks in my home.
What I did not know when I went to bed
last night and that I do know now, is that
I do not want it to end, till I am gone, love
is that okay.........
Thursday, November 1, 2007
I find your writings to be
inspiring to me they seem to be
like a a bird who just discovered he
could fly and he does just that, fly....
You asked to know more, everything
thing on these pages are me, some are little
glimpse of my day, my night, some are of the
rawness of pain and others the simple joys of
My skin is pale, as young girl I did not know
this, funny I know, because of my heritage I just
assumed I was olive skinned, I like being pale..
I am dreamer yes, but I have always been good
at making them come true, I also believed that I
was given a special insight and instinct and that
has brought me many wonderful experiences thru out
my life but lately the machine is broken so much so
that my instinct has thrown me of the cliff and I am
in bits and pieces.........
I read your writings that seem to be pointed in my direction
and I know they are puzzles but I understand them well
I understand ....what that all means I do not know
I am me and I do not want to be anything else than me, people
say that I am everything they want, then do there very best to change
me....and when they do I turn into glass and when I turn into glass
It was my camera and i, I decided
to get a mocha and walk the east-side,
I thought it would be great to take
photographs of children in costume
and the houses that awaited them.
The evening weather could not be better
my mood good, even though my heart
was filled with him and what will never
be, I found myself in the moment and
I enjoyed it. The best part of the evening
was that I realized that I had shedded my
disguise and for the first time in a very long
time I was just myself, i was me.