the arrival of happiness

it is here, because i feel it in my toes and
on my lips.

it is here because, when i stretch i really stretch

it is here because you moved back to hick town by the beach

it is here because I found a new place to call home and it is my very own

it is here because i danced at six this morning

it is here because you and you tried to shake me and i didn't fall

it is here because it's right here whispering in my ear...........

oh my goodness, i think i did it!

Swimming

yesterday I went for swim. sometimes it feels
like the very first time.

last night a page out of book that was never written
played out.

found

i found these words today they are beautiful and sad and no they do not belong to me

i miss love in my heart, and you

if i keep staring at it will it open.... last night decisions were made that will change everything
that will pull the safety net from under me...

happy word

I am always scared to state my happiness. i am aware of so many things that instantly make me sad, frightened and disapointed. I am aware, that not everyone is happy and not every one will get a chance for happiness....it is not that my life is perfect nor do i ever expect that my version of perfect will be the same as yours...but nevertheless i am happy, i have alot of things
that need resolving, a new home, a career shift, personal goals that must still be reached. so for me when i say i am happy- maybe it is simply the fact that i am not sad.

the mosquito net, a forest and the sunlight

sometimes i am simply in the moment
a place at times, difficult to remain.

life and the lessons

sometime ago i learned that looking beautiful was less important than feeling beautiful, I use to follow the trend( okay i had my twist on it) whether the fabrics were real or artificial, in my mind it looked good so i just did it... but eventually it became uncomfortable to fake it...I discovered i was at my best when i put on the finest and purest of things on my skin or at least as best as i could, i even shared my philosophy with others. At the same time i learned other things as well- that actions spoke louder than words. I was always perplexed by the saying of our youth "sticks and stones will hurt your bones but names will never hurt me" because they always did. false promises, lie whether they were little or big..i would always wonder why people could just not say anything till they knew for sure.

Now i am not innocent, the last few years, i lied- i lied to myself in the biggest of ways, i promised things that i could no longer deliver, yet i blamed myself and only myself for it. This brings me to another life lesson unfortunately I have had this one taught to me many times in my life........that some men confuse the words "i did want i wanted" with "i did the best i could"

I just want to say like hell you did! (not even one promise, not even one)

if you want to be a better person, than do not brake even the simple promises.

how not to be anonymous

(yes i am fully aware it is backwords)
Okay so you might get the sense form this post
that smoke is coming out of my ears and that i have not one romantic bone in my body.

and you would be right about both things, except no romantic bone in my body left!
I am at a cafe, I used to come here a lot, but as of late not so much...but in the last few days
i have been in and out of the cafe since i am looking for a new home in the area

anyways...I am sitting here......trying really to be as quiet as possible typing away, checking
the want apartment adds on craigslist! when this guy comes up to me, not quiet in fact
he was loud, he said "nadia hi I am marc how are you?"- okay one i don't like when strangers call me by my name
so i say "Hi, how do you know my name" and he says loudly it is written on your cup! than he proceeded by telling me that
he noticed me yesterday and that i had changed changed my hair.....truth is i could not even hear a word he is saying even though is seems to be taking very loud because I was so angry that my name is written across my cup!

come on!

I am might delete this post(just needed to vent, and i am aware that i must come across like a b. but i am not- i get easily embarrassed and a little uncomfortable)

if i died today

i would not have a had a chance to see the seeds I planted bloom
i would not have held your hand tight and whispered in your ear i love you
i would not have said goodbye to the kids
i would not have take my mum to New York and you to alaska
i would have died fat
i would not have gotten sophie to come when i called
i would have not told karen to be less aggressive, less controlling, less noise
i would not have told cynthia to let the plants grow and trust in my opinion
I would have not told you how( just thinking about you now makes me mad)
I would not have given enough back
i would not have written a perfect piece
I would not have had your family over for dinner
I would have not set gina free
I would not have had enough time to tell you how good you have been to me my love and
my friend, i would have not had a chance to tell you to be good to sophie
I would not have had a chance to see my brother recover
and my sister become the person she has dreamt of being.....i would not have had a chance to tell her that she lovely the way she is
i would have not had a chance to sing you one last silly song and make you chicken nachos.

heard it in Italian

The oddest thing happened to me this evening
I was watching "the tiger and the snow" which
was subtitled in italian. well I was watching it,
loving it-reading it....when I had to go take the bread
i was baking out of the oven from the kitchen..when i started laughing
at something that was said on the television.........I heard it in Italian-
I undertsood it in italian!

I had been reading and scribbling words here and there and had been
exchanging some french for Italian earlier this spring........but somehow
never knew how much i was retaining- I have been so busy lately with
things.........i never knew i could.

this is the first thing i understood on my very own

lei ha ragione il mio amore su una cosa, il muro è verde per andare ...

(you are right my love about one thing, the green wall has to go.)..

sometimes for a moment i dream of
simple things like an afternoon tea.

direction

today i got lost- so i stopped and asked
for directions- the man told me how to find what i am looking for
but what i found written on his shirt
no hair
no beard
no soul

was a direction i could have used long before now.

when you take a step

this weekend i did something i said i would
never do again, in fact it was thirteen years ago since
i last did it, to the day- that is odd (i just realized that fact)

it amazing what you learn about yourself, what you except
what you let go of and what you are grateful for.

wayland square

not a parking spot in sight
woman with shopping bags, jewelry and tiny
stuffed toys- nope wait, there dogs. are walking all about
oh i see, it is a side walk sale, over priced hand bags
become pricey ones, where have these lamppost come from
do they ever leave their houses for a casual stroll, or an ice cream cone?

OH but wait! i spoke too soon,
"books on the square" is having a sale
i am there!

three summers ago on this day

I wish I got this email before. I would've written something.

I'm glad you liked Breathless. My favorite scene is when the woman calls the police on him and refuses to run.

I like all the ambiguity of the ending - how the gun is thrown into his hands, how he runs while shot, how he falls and blows out that last plume of smoke - and how he says one thing to the woman but they hear something completely different - and i like how she looks into the camera and does that Bogart thing with her lips -

I thought there was a sweetness and a comedy to their relationship that reminded me of you

the style of the movie reminded me of you -

i will definitely check out that film you recommended me - about rodin's muse -

it's funny nadia, because i was thinking that you are my muse -

you've already infiltrated this long story i'm working on

and i want to thank you for that

anyway, i know you won't get this til you get back - but i wrote anyway

happiness begins when
you believe in it

things that are making me happy

the yellow squash i picked from the garden
the very large butterfly that flew into my car and decided to stay
to see my feet back to normal
the guava juice i found in the refrigerator, thank you stranger
the hummus and pita bread i snacked on
liking the shape my mouth makes as i feel a smile come on
not feeling nervous of the potential homelessness

sometimes if i look hard enough
i can see a future glimpse of myself,
nothing extraordinary, but nothing ordinary.

walking back home

It took a week or so, but somehow
i shed all those things that had been
cluttering my mind, my heart.....

everything is new, well at least clean, perhaps
even pure, ironically the shoes i wore on this
stroll had the word pure written on it's sole

i believe this has left my soul pure...

she never sleeps at night and in the morning she sleeps alone
when she eats watermelon she imagines she is sharing it with many people
when she hears music her feet move and her hips begin to sway
when she reads a book she feels as if she is reading it to you.....

when they ask her if she is happy

she says I am an extra terrestrial and smiles.