onesilentwinter: February 2008

Friday, February 29, 2008

outage

as you might have experience we
had an outage at blogger. I must
say that I was a little scared, I had not backed up in months.
The thought of loosing everything I documented
had me upset..............but then
I started thinking about that, how ever since i could not depend
on love, I created this place so that the love i had to give
could be expressed. Tonight I realized that I need to be in the moment
well at-least make a conscious effort too......and if I live in the moment things would be
etched permanently in my heart and in my mind.

It is funny in life how we create things to take us out of certain dependencies
and we end up depending on it.

I love taking photographs, I love writing and
because blogger for the most part has allowed me to do all this anonymously
I have found that sharing my thoughts has helped explore a deeper part of me.....
sharing is the best way to make space for new experiences.

I also realized just this very minute, I will think about love and open
myself up to the possibility, perhaps better yet I will take this new revelation
and make it a probability that I will experience the greatest love yet.

Temperature

blushing, pale, ,rosey that is the many colours
of a fever

Study of light 9:15 am

she gives him wings

a friend of mine is one of the greatest dads
around. he is an artist who finds daily inspiration
in his daughter ...I was so fortunate to be able to catch
this moment..

Thursday, February 28, 2008

a question of love

Someone asked me about love today
they started by saying how they were
afraid of it. I wanted to tell them be
afraid, I wanted to to tell them to read "love" on my blog
I wanted to tell them how sometimes i feel like I am in the belly
of the whale just waiting for it to spit me out..........
but all i could say something silly like Love is lovely if it is imaginary.
I must confess that later tears ran down my face, I am
not sure if It was my fever that was helping produce
so many tears but soon it became a pool of tears.......
i wanted to whisper now
dive in my friend, dive in.

Paris, the city I love

would it be okay if I left for paris now

this morning

I am greatful for this morning, I am greatful for the
sun that has found me thru my window

Tuesday, February 26, 2008

Study of light

who I am

today i am not well, my bones ache
walking, typing is hard...i think it is the flu
I sit wrapped in a pretty white and red quilt
on a white chaise lounge, the house is full
of flowers from the flower show everything looks so
pretty. My furniture white, a bouquet of white roses
sit a top of a glass table. The sundance channel plays movies
I have not seen before, they are good.

but i have the biggest smile both on my face and in my heart
i am lucky..........I am happy and my life has been full of incredible
moments, I have felt all the emotions I have dreamt about........

simply i write this to say I have been living life and I have waltzed both to sad songs
and happy ones and I am grateful for all of it

the morning's moon

a few mornings ago, I woke
up suddenly at 6:00 am. I looked out the window
and there she was- beautiful, she was beautiful playing
in the early morning sky

Monday, February 25, 2008

love loss

a friend told me about an abandoned
farm house today, so i went with a flashlight,
a camera and here is what i found;

thank you

it is lovely

Monday with the Sun

what a beautiful day
no chance of malancholy on a
day like today

Once - Falling Slowly

i saw this film and heard this song a while back but it still holds on to my heart tightly...
love can have moments that you will never forget, feelings that if you stand quiet enough you can still feel and when you close your eyes you can swear your still in it, love does not always have
a happy ending but love always leaves you with a good memory or two

love

so it knocks on your door and turns your life
upside down, it pulls your heart from your chest
and sucks the air from your lungs...it kills you
or atleast soemthing in you

love or what feels like love tares you apart
shreds you and one day you don't recognize anything
about yourself...

but then somehow you get out, your breathing but barely
you swear never again, never again is not a decision
you make, but what you begged for to end the pain...

but then a quiet moment- too quiet
you want to feel it and you ask yourself
or tell yourself how is it possible?
how is it possible that blood still flows
to it and boom just like that it start beating again.

Saturday, February 23, 2008

identity

my new card!

Friday, February 22, 2008

Sophie

brings me joy

Thursday, February 21, 2008

childhood

i was just sitting relaxing, almost
enough to fall asleep when i starting thinking
about things. things like how i will never be a child sitting
in the back of my parents car again, how i will never have jacob
and porter by my side, how love will never be what i had dreamt about,
how i wish i could go for a drive with you jacob, how i wish

looking thru the wardrobe i see
a lampost, do you see a lampost?

Wednesday, February 20, 2008

A walk

I love a late afternoon walk
rain falls softly, sky in and
out of grays. birds fly pass me
to a berry covered bush.
I erase old memories and
replace them with new.

Sunday, February 17, 2008

Sometimes as I go to get
up it all hits me at once.
I am tired, trying not feel anything has made
me tired, just a little bit.

Saturday, February 16, 2008

Snow day four

I bundled myself that evening even put
a sweater over my coat- but it was all
worth it. Spending time against the night time
sky, snow flakes as big as flower heads. Sophie
loving it as much as I was.

(I Look bad in these photo's)

Friday, February 15, 2008

Corporate rendez vous

I often run the other way
from corporate events, but
today I shot for a company I shot for last year.
It is a few days before the flower show ( I have been working
on it like mad) I found myself with camera in hand. I
have to admit I kinda like having a yearly appointment like this
one. In fact for the last three years of the flower show I have gotten into a car
accident, this year was no exception, I am told I should highly consider a cab!
I like working and sometimes a corporate Giant is run by good people with
family ethics and they do well and do good. Even though I do not like shooting
such events I liked today. I did

flowers

yesterday I did not recieve any, but this is not a complaint!
The last two weeks I have received a tropical bouquet from
a friend and a bouquet of white tulips(my favorite)from another. When
I got home last night I cleaned my house, and then in a saucepan
i put cloves. orange peels, cinnamon , water. I brought it to a boil and
let it evaporate in the air ,the house smelled wonderful.

I looked at the tropical bouquet that was sitting on my coffee table,all flowers needed to be tossed
except for two beautiful specimens of ginger, the hottest pink i have
ever seen and two mahogany banana leaves. Then I looked at the
bouquet of white tulips 6 very delicate tulips remained. I combined
the flowers, the new bouquet looked beautiful-it truly it did.

I took photographs
of course, but somehow felt like i need to sketch what I saw so I did.

I had the loveliest night, a bouquet of flowers, a sketch, a house that smelled
like heaven and sophie to make me smile.

Thursday, February 14, 2008

Wednesday, February 13, 2008

Heart

I could write about many things
but I choose this story because
it chose me.

I was in second grade the teacher as she often did,
opened the floor to questions. Classmates
would ask a wide variety ranging from nature
to science silly to the intelligent..when a student asked
"why does Julie wear that scarf/bandana around her
head" the teacher said that she would answer that
one on another day. The next day I sat next to Julie
on the bus, and she asked if I would like to come
over one day and play, sure i said and started playing with her from then on.
Julie would not be in school for days at a time...
Julie had cancer. Although my parents did their best to explain
I think for me, it was simply; Julie has something that made her
loose her hair and stay home at times.

One weekend just before Valentines day I walked to Julie's after
school for a planned sleep-over. Arriving at Julie's house
her mother greeted me at the door and said that there had been a change of plans
and then she drove me home. Julie died the very next day on Valentines day.

A week had passed by when the teacher said that she had something to give us.
She told us how Julie had made hearts for everyone. The teacher called each student
one at time and handed them a hand colored paper heart, she was done calling out
names when I realized that mine was not to be called . I was very sad. When class was coming to an end
the teacher called me to her desk and handed me a very large paper heart that Julie had made for me.
Julie only had time to color it halfway......

Tuesday, February 12, 2008

Sigur Ros Hvarf/Heim entry,

do you mean like this....do you

this is wool

today, I got to see you and you
and her and you and them and you
today I was me, the me I understand,
the me I am comfortable with. It was the
i , that was happy to be there creating, planning
cultivating, building, designing....it was me
I heard you laugh again, it was I that was happy
again.........this is me when I am wool and wool
is me

Monday, February 11, 2008

when the cold remains

I love the snow as you know, but where I live there is so little
of it. Nothing like Quebec, where houses can be buried from it.
But today it is cold, very cold and on days like these I can't help
but dream about secret gardens and leaf covered trees.

Saturday, February 9, 2008

Snow day two

as my eyes begin to open

when I come closer

when I stop and stare

i am glad you dropped by

Library

You'll be old and you never lived, and you kind of feel silly to lie down and die and to never have lived, to have been a job chaser and never have lived

Hand B.

I have loved this photograph ever since
I laid my eyes upon it.

Friday, February 8, 2008

Les mots et L'amour

Pour moi l'amour est quelque chose
qui cogne à ta porte et te demande ton
coeur, tes poumons, tes oreilles et des fois tes yeux
quand tu donne tout, tout est mis dans une boîte
puis un marteau et des clous...et voila tu ne peux plus
respirer...

pour moi monsieur l'amour vit dans mes photos
et dans des mots et oui dans mes rêve....je ne veux rien.
personne vivant dans cette société ne pourra comprendre comment
mon coeur est fabriqué, de plumes et de papier......

mais je sais donner..des fois j'ai tellement d'amour
à donner que je me sent noyer........

j'aimerai enlever tes clous, même si
moi même je suis enterré

Snow

i love it

i will always love it

everytime will always be like my first time

and in it I find warmth

Thursday, February 7, 2008

A Play

This evening I went to see a play
based on a book by Toni Morrison.
It was very good.

I like how I get drawn in. I had seen
one a few years back at the same theater
called yellow man it too drew me in.

Wednesday, February 6, 2008

Singing

I woke myself up singing, must
have been dreaming
i have never done that before
it has to be good right!

I am still giggling about it

Tuesday, February 5, 2008

The Savages

This evening I went to see a film
The Savages it is about a brother
and sister who put their father in
a nursing home.....

I started to think about getting older
and why is it that the end our life
is spent in such a place. I wondered what
if it was different, what would I choose and how
would I choose to live the last days of my life.

It would be different for everyone I know. I started to think
about dimentia and what if it was caused by the fact
that no one wanted to listen, that we had no more self
esteem, striped from titles and tired bones..so we choose to forget in order to stop the
lonelyness, the emotional pain and eventually we forget all together...

what if it was different, but how....what would I choose

when having conversation we always seem to talk about
the hospital bed, Burial or cremation, organ donor or not
but what about the nursing home-we always look the other
way even for those who have loved ones there already we just except it and
feel sad..but perhaps now is the time to change
those places, the time to make such a place a place for living
not for dying...

what if it was different, but how...what would i choose

monsieur

monsieur..tes mots me protège d' une vie artificielle

Monday, February 4, 2008

sometimes i remember the sweet moments
sometimes I can almost feel the kindness
that existed between you and me..just
sometimes I let myself get lost in it....
for a little while, for a little while.

Growing

it is february and there is no
snow to cover the ground. I find
myself walking in the yard and spotting
little bits of life that are emerging. I see
green underneath leaves, next to stones,
at the foot of the apple trees as they too begin
to bud...life is growing
and perhaps with it, my ideas begin to bud giving
life to my dreams..

Sunday, February 3, 2008

Frozen Grand Central

Fantastic...just like that!

Saturday, February 2, 2008

a celebration

well the yard is lit by candlelight
the fire is roaring and giving off
the most beautiful smell....the weather
could not be better for it, people begin to gather, i like the
preparation; food, music, setting the mood
placing everything in the right place-it is
very romantic- but now I sit here at the computer
typing away about what is happening in my yard,
i should be out there welcoming people i am good host
I am...but I ask myself now what is it that has me
retreating....my answer is my anonymity- i am not ready to
let it go.....the risk always to great .......i like to document
such things, to observe and listen but not to answer......
but I am a good host so I must end this note now

About Me