he said he needed it to paint

my heart is paper thin today

I Wish You Love

When life comes to you

The Way I See It #283

The Most important thing in life is to
stop saying "I wish" and start saying
"I will" Consider nothing impossible,
then treat possibilities as probabilities.

Sometimes I wonder
about the paths I have
taken, decisions that I have
made...always frightened
of making mistakes but also
believing that they just might
have been written for me. I now
find myself at a new path or is it a dirt road or
perhaps it is a forest what ever it is
i must get ready, I must come up with
a dream so that I can begin to walk towards it's
reality.

i miss the boys

Study of light

I miss waking up to the warm
breeze on the Island, I would
slip into a white linen night shirt
and walk barefooted on the tiled floor
till I reached the porch. the porch view
was spectacular, the ocean waves would
slowly play, the wind would
touch my skin as I pressed
my back to to the chair..........

Emma & Harold (feature Story)

It is now seven o'clock and Emma puts her coat on
and locks the door to her shop. The sky has
turned grey. Emma stands on the last step
and stares out , she must walk fast and she does.

Soon her foot steps lead her thru the park and the rain
begins to fall. She stops at the gate of the secret garden
and her tears mix in with the rain, she wants to wash it all
away, "Emma is that you" a voice from the
path, it is the voice of James Henry her fathers friend. She tries to look away
embarrassed but he approaches her "Emma is everything okay?" oh yes
Mr. Henry "I must look pretty silly to you" "not at all Emma, but you must be
cold"..she does not respond but her lips begin to quiver, come with
me Emma. Mr Henry holds her hand and opens the gate " you live
here Mr. Henry the house in the secret garden?....She stands at the door
wondering how all of this is possible.

Study of light 9:38 am

The Story "Emma and Harold"

dearest harold,

I want to thank you for the lovely walk today, It was everything I have thought about from the
the snow crisp air, historic trees, every sound and detail..it was as if we had found a picture and
recreated it... naive to the fact that it was us all along. Today felt like who we would be if life
stood still from history, your a gentle man and you make me feel classic and lady like.

love,
Emma

Emma gets up and walks to the window, she puts her hand to the glass it is cold but she keeps
it there. She is happier than she has been and it frightens her " Oh Emma don't be silly" she says to herself
as she moves her hand away from the window, Emma rushes back to her desk and stares at the handkerchief
that she had taken from Harold that day at the river, she grabs it quickly and opens the drawer and puts
the handkerchief inside "Silly that is what you are" she says to herself once more.

study of light 12:47 pm

a story

I have always been fascinated
with writing, even as a young
child I would see a movie
and within minutes after watching it,
i would fetch myself a pencil
and paper and start writing.

as I got older I would write
stories to escape into, infact
in school, they accused me of
copyingcopying a story that I had written
with my mother...

My love for writing and the written word
lead me to study authors carefully....

now that I am older I have recognized
my love for russian literature, I tend to compare
all others with the russian greats that have kept me
company thru-out my years...

even now i leave a theater feeling like there is nothing I want
more than to write something.....

So I have decided to start with a regular post(feature)
on this blog......I will write a story here....

study of light 8:35 am

study of light 7:37 am

study of light 11:02 pm

study of light 4:17pm

study of light 1:37pm

I have decided to start
a feature both on Laporterouge
and onesilentwinter

my study is on the light in
my apartment..it is wonderful
every hour something
in the apartment gets illuminated with
gorgeous light....I would like
to document how i see it....

home

i went searching for a new one
today...but when I got back
i felt like I had found it..here

the plant

friday i threw away an orchid
I had been trying to get it to flower, I did not
want to give up on it, but it had been
two years- so I threw it in a bag
under my sink

this evening when getting ready to throw
the bag out, I looked inside and there it was
green, no different than it was the day i threw
it out- but what was different about it was the way
I looked at it, the way I chose to see it.

begin

Today I will begin
to learn new things

today I will hear things
that inspire me and stumble
on things that leave me broken
but motivated

today I will start to understand
yesterday

today I will begin my day again
happy new year- it begins now

Project one is to live-love -laugh
dance and most of all give it my all

happy am I

The Land of Champions

I like it-

small world

Recently I have realized
my heart had attached itself
to something that soon made
my world small...
when my world became small
i could not stretch my arms
or my imagination.....
I begun to see things
in a two dimensional way....
I begun to close myself
to an idea and its rules from a contract
I had never signed, a religion
I did not believe in...a nationality
and culture I embraced, but not in the way
explained to me

Jacob

for sixteen years you have been
my dearest friend, when I thought
i was alone, you made sure I never
felt it.

You heard my different laughters,
tears, you heard my idea's, you saw me
dance, run, dig, cry, laugh,

I know you are gone, I know it for sure
because I hear nothing

i am broken without you, but I know how
lucky I have been to have you along
and how you understood me enough
to help me out of certain chapters of my life

I hope I was good to you, you will always
be my dearest friend, you will always

be my jacob

if you ever want to visit I will leave my dreams
open to you

goodbye dear friend, good bye my companion

Ben Harper

I did not know- thank you for your kind words
and making smile

layers

I have come back with color
where the sky is grey and the
ground is covered with snow
a chill creeps into my bones
as I rush for home

i must once again put away the
simple and light garments for something
heavy, a winter coat or a wool sweater

no dogs to greet me, I ask myself
can I still call this a home?..........but for now
I sit by the fire and hope for
more snow.....

Night Lite

I had a lovely evening

I got this feeling today
and it was good

Seaplane

Yesterday I travelled by seaplane
to the island of St-Thomas-
the Seaplane was an adventure
the company was shut down for
5 planes going down within days
of each other- due to bad plane
maintenance... Since then the FAA
has set new regulations and new owners
now run SEABORNE airlines..the ride was
twenty minutes long-flight was very scenic.

Arriving in St-thomas you could see a
large cruise ships and many tourist buses
pick up trucks with open seating with a
canopy to protect fro sun.

I had to tell you I was excited about
anything resembling a city- commercial
yes- st-thomas caters to the ships coming
in- there must be at-least 200 jewelry stores
Rolex-diamonds -Gucci and so on.....I am
not interested but what gets my attentions
is a a cafe that is filled to the rim with computers
I know- but it definitely still had an Island feel...
The market places are divided by alleys- gorgeous
alleys with bricks arch wood doors plantings....
It had charm.

I took a tour bus -all of them where packed
but i managed to talk to one who offered a private
tour-YES_ i was happy I told him what i wanted to
see and that I would like to swim at one of the beaches
it was great he took me around up the mountains the views
where spectacular- he took me to Meghans Bay a beach
I put my suit on and swam....how lucky was I - the water
beautiful- most people stay in the shallow end, although it
is not very shallow i like to swim far because within a few strokes
you are alone my view was amazing...I was floating when all of a
sudden a spotted something coming towards me or maybe it was
I that floated towards it but it was a turtle about half my size I stared
at it wondering if he would bite-was not sure- so I stayed calm he
just kept looking at me and then he started swimming...now I was in heaven,
no I think they call it paradise.

fruit

When I first came here
I expected to eat fruit
morning, noon and
night but I believed that
that there would be an
abundance of it here on
the island.

The island that has perfect
growing conditions for such fruit
as mangoes, papaya,
bread fruit, bananas
avocado and so many
more are now imported in?

I had been eating apples
but that was not what I had in mind
a roadside vendor had pineapple
and avocado but where is the rest...

My host informed that it was not available
even discouraged me from having a street
vendor machete a coconut for me...

Today after a beautiful swim and the beach
with a family form st-croix that I had met
a few days before invited me to a fish frye
(a version of our barb-b-q) Arriving at there
home in the middle of the rainforest and a
brilliant view of the ocean...They ate and chatted
about local politics very heated! when I started walking
the property - there all around me , papaya, coconut,
bananas, sour fruit, mangoes and a bayleaf tree that smelled
unbelievable... when I asked and said I thought it was not the season for
all of these...they replied "of course it is" They turned around to my
host and asked why he had not brought me to where I could find fruit..I was curious
myself..he replied " well I don't eat fruit"....

It is amazing to me, how easily it is to believe people
and how someone will try to rob you from an experience
but I was not robbed- nope

Birds

Walking along the shore
of buck Island I watched these
birds -Pelicans- Dive into the water
it is something to see as they dive straight
down-their wing span impressive
This is one of my favorite shots

Skin

The evening here is a constant waltz
the air as I have said many
times already- is just gorgeous, the
breeze sways delicately over your skin
the stars light up the sky and the waves
crash unto the shore to make sure you do not forget them.

My skin starts to change from white to brown
and is now softer than I have felt in years, the moisture
in the air my best beauty regime.

If you where here in this place with a lover
you would surely surrender to him and waltz to the evenings
melody.....

Diving

This morning at 7 am
a car picked me up to take me to a boat
I was nervous, because of the possibility
of feeling a little sea sick on board and the
fact that I had trouble with sleep.

The sun was shining and the winds had died down
for the first time in a week, good for a boat ride...
I was going to BucK Island to swim with the fish!
The boat ride was about forty five minutes, and at-the very end
was unpleasant, but that was okay because I was the first
one to jump into the water... aqua water-picture perfect.

It was one of the most amazing experiences of my life-truly
the coral beautiful although evidence of it dying was clear. I found myself
swimming out further than anyone(always ) the fish so beautiful
so unbelievable to me- how lucky i felt to be swimming with
such special creatures, I even found a shark sleeping under a rock(harmless kind)
It was like a dream-if ever i wanted more eyes this would have been the time...

Truly you must do this in your lifetime-NO you must do it often
whenever you can. I would like to describe the colors to you-but how can I
best can describe to you what i have seen and experienced today
how but to say you can never imagine it-trust me my imagination
tends to be colorful -this was magical.....

A little cafe on the corner of paradise and decay

I have been here on the Island
for about five days now, fortunate
to be the guest of a highly intellectual
man who is born here and lives
here part time. He has also resided
in some
on the most urban city's in the US and lives in Providence
where he Is a professor, I say
all this because he has fallen to paranoia
perhaps some of it can be justified-but most of it
I question.

So here sitting at the cafe with wireless and soy!
Named TwinCity(not sure why) I feel at home
and yes like in all my travels the cafe is the most familiar
and comforting setting for me.

I have to say that poverty is clearly visible as well
as decay, I have been informed on people being held up
and shot, I have also been a witness to open bottle driving.
There is poverty here in a big way-there is race issues among
race much paranoia..the supermarkets are extremely over priced
and I am not talking about the one for tourist...

Abandoned decaying building once glorious are situated all over the
Island a constant reminder of slavery.

My host tried everything to persuade me not to stop into this cafe
"a very bad area" but I jumped out the car anyways only to walk
into a a true version of a cafe. The patrons are tourist-well no
they are travelers and locals- Oh did I tell you the police station shares
a wall and a stone throw away is prostitution drugs and robberies....
but you would not be afraid this is the place where activist would call
a "green zone". this is the place i come to be myself

I hear the waves crash
so close that there is no
need for music

i visited the rainforest today
I felt small like a ladybug

I drove past a beach where horses
where swimming along side of humans

I visited a little girl named maya
her hair braded we played with moon
sand

i am lucky for this experience, i am lucky
to have experienced, I am lucky

when the ocean is

the same temperature as the air
things happen to you
you start to believe in things
you start to believe in yourself
and the decisions that you have made

it feels pretty close to paradise
you wake and swim in the aqua of the ocean
you walk in the lush greenery of the tropical climate
you read, you smile, you are quiet, maybe you are at
peace or maybe you recognize that silence is bliss
for now.....

and sometimes you sit on the porch and stare out at the sea
as a coconut falls from a tree....

"We must be willing to get rid of
the life we planned, so as to have
the life that is waiting for us"

Before Sunset

no longer

jacob died yesterday