the car

i am staring out the window of the car, barely any leaves left on the trees yet the sun shines bright i am following it with my eyes. he is looking at me while he drives and i try not to think about it. he says my name and i like how it sounds but i keep looking out the window. i want to tell him to stop the car, get out and hold me but i don't. he is staring at me i could feel it I want to say stop but i don't because that is a beginning of a dangerous conversation, then i think of you and i hate it and makes me angry that you have somehow entered my thoughts and this car. i stare hard out the window now and there is boys playing football and i want to tell them to be better than their highest expectations... he says my name again and now i just want this car to stop and i want to be on the outside of it but all i could say is 'i hope it snows'...he says you look like snow. i can't respond. he is quiet now as the car begins to slow then stop. we are here now but i don't want to get out and somehow i have forgotten how to breathe but i can't stay so i step out and as i do my voice begins to crack and i don't stare back at him-as i say, can you hold me but he does'nt hear me and he says can you say it again please but i can't .....