a drop ( warning personal subject matter)

i remember the day clearly, who was in the house, the questions i asked and a feeling as if i had joined a club of some sorts. yet when at the doctors office i leave the space blank where it asks when did you first get your period? that i do not remember. I never liked them, messy always came at the worst time and mine unpredictable since i was never regular but to me that was sometimes a perk since i would often skip months. soon they would come with great discomfort and i could almost not walk we would cover my legs with all the blankets we could find to stop them from aching and sometimes invite the dogs to lay on my legs to calm them. t i would also loose five pounds everytime i got my period so it was always bittersweet. I did not know my body well was not in-tuned with the mechanics and naive to the functions of it, so when we decided to try to have a baby years a go i was naive and thought when we said goodbye to contraception( in our case condoms) i would be instantly pregnant- not- i i soon discovered that it was not easy yet every month i though i was only to discover over and over i was not. even when i would talk to myself and say nadia you are not just wait and see somehow the last few days of every month i would someone believe i was. One weekend while celebrating k. mums birthday with getaway in connecticut i spoke to k and said do you mind if we stopped trying for a while- let me be honest with all of you i had no idea how to get pregnant i just simply though i would have unprotected sex when we wanted and i would be pregnant so in all fairness to all those who tried very hard- i was like i said, naive. so k and i agreed that i could take a break and devote sometime in getting in better shape.

My shop was doing very well, i started exercising like crazy, my favorite was hot yoga loved it( and hated it too) i drank at-least eight espresso a day after all i owned a cafe so that was easy. my body was changing so much i had dropped so much weight, that my breast even started to change in shape. I also would get nausea alot and pull over on the side of the street but i was convince that it was my sensitivity to the new paint on the walls of my cafe. one day while going to hot yoga with a friend only to arrive at class and find out it was cancelled we decided to go to the cafe instead. we sat for an hour chatting and as my friends excused herself to the restroom i felt pain in my belly and as i stood up i discovered blood. I rushed home to tell k. he started to put things together and said honey you skipped your period last month as he kissed me on the cheek with his briefcase in his hand, he walked out the door and i felt abandoned and that very moment i lost what i did not know i had ( a baby) and what i believed i had ( a partner). I had lost a baby, how i did not know i had a baby inside of me would haunt me, a week later i had closed my store, moved out of my house and started a new life, denying anything that came before. i became a full time activist working on any cause but my own.

Somehow a year later k and i made back to each other, sometimes arguing who abandoned who, never to agree. we just decided to move forward. there would never be mention of trying again. when you loose a baby you also loose the want for one, that is what made me the saddest of all. that somehow i had convince myself i did not want a child, even though deep down i knew i was protecting myself (controlling the situation). a few years later k. said while driving, i think of having a baby everyday, those words shocked me, somehow i had replaced my want with nieces, nephews, puppy dogs and career. I told him i would try and we did here and there, but those fears came back and the feeling of loosing a baby came back and i slowly backed away again. that was two years ago.

A few months ago something in me my changed, i was ready more than ever before excited. so k and i shopped for books on easter day, counting calendars, i changed my diet, bought prenatal vitamins( it is funny how you forget everything, when you do your hardest to shut things out) we were ready! we did everything by the book in fact i scared my poor husband one afternoon when i stripped down and said meet me upstairs it's time! where is the romance he exclaimed? then it begun everything seemed different like this time it had worked, i felt it. I visited my doctor who said i want you to take a blood test before you travel cross country to california. i was excited all these events were surely leading to a baby. then a few days later i became a little moody, my body temperature was fluctuating then i slowly sat down and had a conversation with myself " nadia this might not be it and you will probably get your period" i was okay with it, i even shared my fears with k. then there was the blood-work and the new gynecologist. first the blood-work. the new doctor, i told her of our plans and she told me that she wanted me to see a specialist and how she also wanted to do the a procedure at the hospital before my trip, i want to put my hand on her shoulders and whisper in her ear it is all unnecessary i am pregnant. i took everything as a sign i was even starting to think how i would i tell k. i was pregnant. later that afternoon i picked up k and the train and he asked how it went i explained and somehow he misunderstood and said "you are not pregnant then" i snapped and said i did not say that, why did you say that. we proceeded to go home and decided to take the dogs for a walk.

before we left i went to the washroom as i sat there, i heard it, felt it, i stood up and looked into the bowl and there it was a drop, a swirl of my favorite color letting me down. i stood there and realized i did it again inserted me being pregnancy in every plan. how when we had shopped a few days before i had bought a couple shirts a little looser and how i picked up the two fall sweaters holding them up to k and saying these will be good in september for my growing belly. how i had researched if my trip across the country would be good for my pregnancy, how i tried a decaf mocha the other day, how i had gotten the mail and discovered the Rei catalog and circled that baby carrier and wrote for hudson or lucca (baby names) that was how i planned to tell k. he would discover it in the catalog. i was a stupid, stupid girl i had let it slip to my mum the day before that i might be and how we discussed keeping it a secret for eight weeks and she said twelve. how would i tell k now, then i heard a knock on the door "honey are you okay" i realized that what i thought was crying on the inside was me sobbing on the outside..again my eyes stared at the drop and then i said maybe it is the pap smear maybe it just a little scratch so i took some tissue and wiped and there it was a non pregnancy. i am never not pregnant i am always pregnant till i am not that is how it has been for me.unnecessary

the next morning i was woken up by the phone, " hi this dr, meren office all your bloodwork came back negative" she was speaking as if she was talking to an answering machine then " and you are not pregnant" she said in a tone as if she thought i would be relieved to hear it, all i could muster up to say is, yes, yes i know.....