About Me

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i moved where my heart had drifted off to long before. i live on a hill of hundred acres, where my dreams have merged with the view. it is quiet from machine noises yet loud with sounds of horses, dogs, cats chickens and ducks. nature is the true artist in resident and i am just her apprentice who often gets lost in her gaze. once and a while i travel back to cities and foreign places to put into photographs what i have learned, yet always, part of my heart is left on the hill..

Monday, May 4, 2009

a drop ( warning personal subject matter)


i remember the day clearly, who was in the house, the questions i asked and a feeling as if i had joined a club of some sorts. yet when at the doctors office i leave the space blank where it asks when did you first get your period? that i do not remember. I never liked them, messy always came at the worst time and mine unpredictable since i was never regular but to me that was sometimes a perk since i would often skip months. soon they would come with great discomfort and i could almost not walk we would cover my legs with all the blankets we could find to stop them from aching and sometimes invite the dogs to lay on my legs to calm them. t i would also loose five pounds everytime i got my period so it was always bittersweet. I did not know my body well was not in-tuned with the mechanics and naive to the functions of it, so when we decided to try to have a baby years a go i was naive and thought when we said goodbye to contraception( in our case condoms) i would be instantly pregnant- not- i i soon discovered that it was not easy yet every month i though i was only to discover over and over i was not. even when i would talk to myself and say nadia you are not just wait and see somehow the last few days of every month i would someone believe i was. One weekend while celebrating k. mums birthday with getaway in connecticut i spoke to k and said do you mind if we stopped trying for a while- let me be honest with all of you i had no idea how to get pregnant i just simply though i would have unprotected sex when we wanted and i would be pregnant so in all fairness to all those who tried very hard- i was like i said, naive. so k and i agreed that i could take a break and devote sometime in getting in better shape.

My shop was doing very well, i started exercising like crazy, my favorite was hot yoga loved it( and hated it too) i drank at-least eight espresso a day after all i owned a cafe so that was easy. my body was changing so much i had dropped so much weight, that my breast even started to change in shape. I also would get nausea alot and pull over on the side of the street but i was convince that it was my sensitivity to the new paint on the walls of my cafe. one day while going to hot yoga with a friend only to arrive at class and find out it was cancelled we decided to go to the cafe instead. we sat for an hour chatting and as my friends excused herself to the restroom i felt pain in my belly and as i stood up i discovered blood. I rushed home to tell k. he started to put things together and said honey you skipped your period last month as he kissed me on the cheek with his briefcase in his hand, he walked out the door and i felt abandoned and that very moment i lost what i did not know i had ( a baby) and what i believed i had ( a partner). I had lost a baby, how i did not know i had a baby inside of me would haunt me, a week later i had closed my store, moved out of my house and started a new life, denying anything that came before. i became a full time activist working on any cause but my own.

Somehow a year later k and i made back to each other, sometimes arguing who abandoned who, never to agree. we just decided to move forward. there would never be mention of trying again. when you loose a baby you also loose the want for one, that is what made me the saddest of all. that somehow i had convince myself i did not want a child, even though deep down i knew i was protecting myself (controlling the situation). a few years later k. said while driving, i think of having a baby everyday, those words shocked me, somehow i had replaced my want with nieces, nephews, puppy dogs and career. I told him i would try and we did here and there, but those fears came back and the feeling of loosing a baby came back and i slowly backed away again. that was two years ago.

A few months ago something in me my changed, i was ready more than ever before excited. so k and i shopped for books on easter day, counting calendars, i changed my diet, bought prenatal vitamins( it is funny how you forget everything, when you do your hardest to shut things out) we were ready! we did everything by the book in fact i scared my poor husband one afternoon when i stripped down and said meet me upstairs it's time! where is the romance he exclaimed? then it begun everything seemed different like this time it had worked, i felt it. I visited my doctor who said i want you to take a blood test before you travel cross country to california. i was excited all these events were surely leading to a baby. then a few days later i became a little moody, my body temperature was fluctuating then i slowly sat down and had a conversation with myself " nadia this might not be it and you will probably get your period" i was okay with it, i even shared my fears with k. then there was the blood-work and the new gynecologist. first the blood-work. the new doctor, i told her of our plans and she told me that she wanted me to see a specialist and how she also wanted to do the a procedure at the hospital before my trip, i want to put my hand on her shoulders and whisper in her ear it is all unnecessary i am pregnant. i took everything as a sign i was even starting to think how i would i tell k. i was pregnant. later that afternoon i picked up k and the train and he asked how it went i explained and somehow he misunderstood and said "you are not pregnant then" i snapped and said i did not say that, why did you say that. we proceeded to go home and decided to take the dogs for a walk.

before we left i went to the washroom as i sat there, i heard it, felt it, i stood up and looked into the bowl and there it was a drop, a swirl of my favorite color letting me down. i stood there and realized i did it again inserted me being pregnancy in every plan. how when we had shopped a few days before i had bought a couple shirts a little looser and how i picked up the two fall sweaters holding them up to k and saying these will be good in september for my growing belly. how i had researched if my trip across the country would be good for my pregnancy, how i tried a decaf mocha the other day, how i had gotten the mail and discovered the Rei catalog and circled that baby carrier and wrote for hudson or lucca (baby names) that was how i planned to tell k. he would discover it in the catalog. i was a stupid, stupid girl i had let it slip to my mum the day before that i might be and how we discussed keeping it a secret for eight weeks and she said twelve. how would i tell k now, then i heard a knock on the door "honey are you okay" i realized that what i thought was crying on the inside was me sobbing on the outside..again my eyes stared at the drop and then i said maybe it is the pap smear maybe it just a little scratch so i took some tissue and wiped and there it was a non pregnancy. i am never not pregnant i am always pregnant till i am not that is how it has been for me.unnecessary

the next morning i was woken up by the phone, " hi this dr, meren office all your bloodwork came back negative" she was speaking as if she was talking to an answering machine then " and you are not pregnant" she said in a tone as if she thought i would be relieved to hear it, all i could muster up to say is, yes, yes i know.....

15 comments:

in another lifetime said...

Oh sweetie....
Thank you for sharing so much of yourself, it is a gift. We are here for you.

corine said...

These are such true words: 'I am never not pregnant.' Innocent until proven guilty. Oh, Nadia, you know I have lived this, the expectation, the excitement, the dream, and wanting something so, so badly. It too easy for some so there was a lot of rage and resentment for me. Yes, I have lived all this and your words made me cry. You've joined the club for whom this doesn't come easy. Don't expect those who are not in the club to offer the comfort you need, no matter how hard they might try.

josephine said...

oh nadia, your words brought tears to my eyes! i'm sorry i've never had the same experience, but i'm keeping you in my thoughts and sending good wishes your way. xo

heidi said...

Nadia, it is SO hard going thru this. I have been there.
try to be strong. Stick with the process and the specialist. If you have been preg before, there is so much hope that you will be again.
Someday, you will have someone in this world to call you "Mama." Then all the time spent riding this emotional roller coaster will fade into history.
Feel free to email me, if there is anything I can help with.
Hang in there.... xoh

amy said...

how brave of you to share this...

virginia said...

now i understand some of your past posts...

keep taking your pre-natal vitamins, and as much as i love hot yoga, i would suggest non-heated yoga.

doctors are taught to be unemotional about emotional situations. hopefully you will find someone sympathetic and intelligent to help you figure this out.

i think corine is the best shoulder to lean on right now.

this is another post to print, save, and read in 20 years.

virginia said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Aran said...

thank you for sharing your story nadia. we often talk about what life has in store for us. you never know. motherhood presents itself in different ways sometimes. thank you for sharing this personal story nadia.

Georgia B. said...

heartbreaking. i am so sorry. i am glad you shared this. i need to hear others' journeys to help me in my own. this was courageous of you. thank you.

kendalee said...

Nadia, there aren't truly adequate words to comfort you although if I had them to give, they would be yours. You are very courageous and I'm deeply touched by your circumstances and by the fact that you have shared this. I've been there and I know it's not always easy to express. The hope is both what keeps us going and the very thing that causes us pain. It's hard to have it and hard (maybe harder still) not to. I am thinking of you...

cindy* said...

nadia, sometimes your words strike me in a way that i cannot explain...i see so many of my fears in this story, the ones i think about every single night. thank you for sharing this.

jennifer lorton said...

Nadia, I appreciate that you shared this story. I remember feeling exactly like this. I had a great deal of trouble getting pregnant, we TRIED for years and I had multiple surgeries to correct problems. It was a very painful time in my life. I felt like I had no idea who, or what, to be if I wasn't going to be somebodies mommy. I couldn't imagine a life without a child. I was completely crushed, every month, when I would see that first drop of blood. I know the pain you are talking about, and I'm so sorry.
Now for the uplifting part of my story, it did eventually happen, and I have a wonderful 18 year old daughter in my life. I know a hundred people will say something like this to you, they did to me, and it won't help at all. For that I appologize, but please know that I understand, and that I am wishing you well.

Anonymous said...

you will be a great mother!

Michael

muralimanohar said...

I am sorry.

Someday, one way or another, you will have someone to share in your love.

thredd said...

xo.eternal