the sun and the light

when the sun drowns out the light i discovered i was happy not to know you

i dreamt of you

you where not sick, not dying. I had a row boat and i was rowing across the country via highway( i know) but dreams have away. I was over protective, i watched you, loved you more than ever before. i was overly protective afraid that you will go, that i would let you go. sometimes you walked on the side of the boat and other times i tucked you between blankets in the boat, i watched you, i was overly protective of you, i was afraid to let you go. you were healthy not dying.

the sounds outside my window

the dark night sky slowly becomes a deep grey. i hear a bird outside in my bittersweet bush singing, one, two, three and then so many it reminds me of a school yard at recess. their singing begins to fade- three, two, one and none, i lay in bed thinking how odd it is and how i have never noticed this silence before. where have they all gone.. suddenly the rain starts tapping on the my window, it all makes sense now. the rain plays a melody and i must confess how i love this sound of the rain almost more than anything. before i know it my eyes begin to close and i am off too dreamland

happiness is

when you are sitting in the dark listening to music that moves you, but not to tears but a childhood giddiness.

happiness is knowing you made it through, through it. that you might have lost somethings on the way but what you have gained can never be taken away, ever!

i am happy and if you could hear my voice and see my face right now you would know it to be true for my heart is singing and it does not sound half bad!!

for my eyes

i sat at the park bench this morning and i saw jacob and porter play before me. tears fell so quickly, i could not stop them from falling. they would have loved this place.

i will hold on to this is one

i will not part with this tear, i feel it there just waiting to roll down my cheek but i can not let it fall i won't. i can not waste one more. see my body is my earth, planet, solarium, i must conserve, protect it, leave it for when it is truly needed. I want my body to bare fruit so you see i can't give you this one that is there right there waiting. i must not, i will not, can not....i must hold on to it..

the everyday

you are happy as he drives and the rain falls

you think to yourself that things are good. nothing extra special

happened today, no big revelation, no birds singing our presents

under a tree. no big declaration of love or deep conversation. no

waltzing in the kitchen or bouts of laughter but love, love for him

for the simplicity that is today

the blue slip

she took the slip from her dress and wore it as a nightgown, she had not expected to stay here this long but she could not bare to think of her departure. she slept somehow she felt at peace. how was that possible -perhaps all the years of silence, keeping it to herself and that evening in the rain when she let it slip out of her lips and upon his ears, maybe that was how her eyes were able to close. she lay there sleeping for a while till she felt his head resting on her belly " have you been here long" she asked "no " he said. she was thirsty and said she would get a glass of water" let me get it he said" but she went to the kitchen in her deep blue slip, as she went to get a glass it fell and crashed to the floor. she got down on her knees to pick up the pieces..

she felt him behind her " let me get it" as he put is hand on her back "i am so sorry" as she stood up she realized that the glass had also made her walls fall and there in his kitchen she was herself more than she ever had been before. he picked her up and held her and that is where she heard her soul whisper "this is what it is like, love" she felt so light, she was floating all around him did he see her...

what i do not know

i find myself with a paper thin heart today. How we fool ourselves to make things more bearable. yesterday i sat in the chair and i understood, how much i did not care for myself. How much events since my early years and a lot them in between has led me to believe that i had nothing worth keeping, easily disregarded. that on my side it was never greener.

i wrote about peeling the layers, they hurt. But nothing is ugly- yet i can't see myself in the looking glass- to afraid that i will understand what others don't see.

stone

i want to tell you everything. how inside she turned to stone, how violins scare her and pianos too. she wants to tell you that the river of tears is salted and she can't move on.
she floats.

she wants to tell inside she has turned to stone yet the day it happened she was not prepared and now she remains
stuck in tthat moment...

move along

sometimes i look around and wonder how many people wish for things that are easy to get, how we blind ourselves in believing that it is not possible I have always believed in the possibilities, layers and layers of possibilities. both my mum and my father had instilled this in me, yet somehow i question all that they gave up on.

Today while driving a cars bumper sticker read " i am boldly going nowhere" it scared me, yet i was curious was the driver saying i am happy here or was the driver disappointed. In my own life i do not know what i would answer except to say i hope i just don't believe in the possibilities but conquer them as well...