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i moved where my heart had drifted off to long before. i live on a hill of hundred acres, where my dreams have merged with the view. it is quiet from machine noises yet loud with sounds of horses, dogs, cats chickens and ducks. nature is the true artist in resident and i am just her apprentice who often gets lost in her gaze. once and a while i travel back to cities and foreign places to put into photographs what i have learned, yet always, part of my heart is left on the hill..

Thursday, July 7, 2011

not a mother

i am sitting, i feel as if my heart is the wind and any minute it will blow. i am full of anxiety perhaps the three hours at the dealership with bad news is making me so, perhaps my period is coming i am almost forty why cant i remember when it is coming, why does it still come i am not a mother and will not be. motherhood you are slapping me in the face, these days over and over pretty little pictures of swollen bellies, tiny hands and big beautiful eyes. i have reached a new place i can feel it. i am  not going to have a child, how many times have i wrote this here. now it is this whimpering sound that never stops it comes from heart, my soul .the tiny birds in the nest right by my door, the mother does such a wonderful job, but she taunts me too, sasha and claude sitting on there eggs, giving up fresh air, food and water to care for their babies tucked away in shells, they taunt me.

i am breaking, breaking , breaking my body looks like it has bared children ten times over but not a one, not a one, this is my fate, punishment, doom.

4 comments:

Anonymous said...

Nadia,
thinking of you. sad..for your pain..some things we have no control over. I miss you love jessica

Anonymous said...

But it is not too late, of this is what you really want. This dream is within your reach. You might have to re-adjust a few things first. Nadia, you are made to be a mother, it's so obvious to me that you must go for it. At all costs. xoxo.
corine

bienfaitpourtoi said...

I can feel your great pain and i understand it because i can't imagine my own life without children...
Don't want to ask if you cannot have a baby or don't feel ready for it .Hope just this pain will not last...

etre-soi said...

you said it all and I understand you so well...