no longer

sometimes i wake up thinking you have stopped loving me. every time i actually get to close my eyes and sleep, you take another ones shape, name you love me for a minute just enough to remind me, then you take it away. it is always done with such cruelty.  love has come to an end greets me like the morning birds and the stretching dogs. i know longer love you whispered in my ear now again, often.

not a mother

i am sitting, i feel as if my heart is the wind and any minute it will blow. i am full of anxiety perhaps the three hours at the dealership with bad news is making me so, perhaps my period is coming i am almost forty why cant i remember when it is coming, why does it still come i am not a mother and will not be. motherhood you are slapping me in the face, these days over and over pretty little pictures of swollen bellies, tiny hands and big beautiful eyes. i have reached a new place i can feel it. i am  not going to have a child, how many times have i wrote this here. now it is this whimpering sound that never stops it comes from heart, my soul .the tiny birds in the nest right by my door, the mother does such a wonderful job, but she taunts me too, sasha and claude sitting on there eggs, giving up fresh air, food and water to care for their babies tucked away in shells, they taunt me.

i am breaking, breaking , breaking my body looks like it has bared children ten times over but not a one, not a one, this is my fate, punishment, doom.