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i moved where my heart had drifted off to long before. i live on a hill of hundred acres, where my dreams have merged with the view. it is quiet from machine noises yet loud with sounds of horses, dogs, cats chickens and ducks. nature is the true artist in resident and i am just her apprentice who often gets lost in her gaze. once and a while i travel back to cities and foreign places to put into photographs what i have learned, yet always, part of my heart is left on the hill..

Friday, February 13, 2009

what i learned in bed


my eyes open and i look around trying to stay still so that i can have a few minutes for myself. somehow overnight my bed has doubled in size, yet the 100 pound white beast has no idea since my legs are pinned underneath her. the air in the room is different, the sun trying to push the blinds open. i start to think about last night and how i tried to get out of going to the play till k. held my hands and said " but honey you love the theater" he is right. i sat there listening to lines like " my life is in you" and " life is not printed on a dollar bill" i cried at the theater, the play moving. i felt alive. i look around the room again trying slowly to stretch without stirring the dogs. I think about the changes, the deep shedding that has taken place these last few weeks. I think about how i was afraid to stop loving k. and now i know that is impossible but fear that he will one-day stop loving me. the dogs notice me and come close to me my face gets licked by grace and sophie rest her body so close to mine. now i think about how i was afraid that my world had become to small always fighting to have no boundaries but somehow the last few months i made it small, so small that i had padded the walls so that nothing could hurt me, betray me, lie or make false promises to the point where i had walked away from everything i loved and that loved me except k and the girls. the last week i knew that i was starting to remove the padding and maybe put a few windows...this morning i felt the air touch the exposed skin.

5 comments:

dia said...

welcome back..

in another lifetime said...

This is tremendously powerful Nadia. I am so happy for you.

Chessa! said...

I have not been here in so long. I'm happy you stopped by Chessa yesterday with this address or I may not have found my way here again.

Claire said...

i can relate nadia. i truly can relate. my prayer is that the sunshine will pierce the blind soon.

in another lifetime said...

this is beyond beautiful. you make me understand how you feel, I almost feel like I have known this too.