today i look out

the way the sun hits the chair
the way the house is filled with your scent, my dear tree
the way your snow pants keep me warm and how funny your boots look on my feet
the bright light that comes from the snow glistening snow
the sounds they all make when i open the barn door, good morning dear folks
the shivers i get as the wind finds an opening through the house, burrr
the way i promise myself to get some sleep, but all the things that keep me awake
the icicles that are pointing down, that remind me of edward scissor hands
the music that plays and has my hips sway

meltdown

i am having a meltdown. a mixture of anxiety and fear. i am trying to be myself through this holiday season.
see we do not spend hours in line at the mall anymore but understand the ones that do. we gather things from the forest to decorate our home with. we bookmark recipes that we must try and have chats by the fire about what we hope christmas would be. we dream of both sides of the family joining us here for a day at the farm with sleigh rides, good food, warm fire and maybe if weather allows it snow angels and men. not everyone feels that such things are enough- but why i wonder, why can't we just have moments uncluttered by things, ones that may just out live the things, why can't we just give the gift that can not be bought!(cliche maybe)

oh maybe i melting down because i have not been outside in three hours( to long for me) i should go now clear my head.

* update, the walk did the world of good, nature is magical she reminds of how lucky i am everyday.

moments

sometimes my heart beats faster than usual when my eyes deceive me and i see you in my in box sometimes tears mix with my smiling lips when i hear the piano played so wonderfully.
sometimes life is just right, so where it has to be that i feel happy, young, like a girl learning it all again. sometimes i steal moments of bliss , afternoons, nights as i put those thoughts to rest i sometimes think my eyelids have been kissed!

dear mike

i have been whispering this to you everyday. it is all i think about. i am so sorry for the discomfort i have caused. it is not tolsoy fault. you see we did not do it right, i did not listen to my gut but instead to people with big egos who did not do it the right way but instead they did it their way. I know i am taking care of you but i know you liked it the way it was and all though it will never be exactly the same it will be good again very soon.

you see tolstoy was in a line and was going to be slaughtered. he was in line to be a piece of meat on someones plate for someone in a foreign land, ones that are not foreign to me canada and japan two places i have loved dearly but i can not understand at this time. so you see he was in line being sold to the highest bidder "the meat guy" but he was saved because someone stopped it put their hand in their pocket pulled out a few dollars and saved him. he is here now, and i know it was shocking but it was not his fault, and i have been fighting to keep him here, he is loving and gentle but scared like you. it was not his fault but mine for not speaking up. mike everyday, three times a day i find you and clarabelle you come to me with so much love even though you have been banned by the pecking order (tolstoy) you come to me and i see how grateful you are and it touches me so.

at dusk today the air was so calm and warm. the sky was doing it's thing and you came to me and gave more love that i could have ever imagine possible from an animal (and most humans) and i cried all the way back to the house how is it that i have disrubt your life and yet you still take care of me...

dark

if only my heart would purge some of what took place. even writing now i fear that it will hear my relief and quickly inhale me back into what seemed as the darkest of hours( two weeks really). i will say no more yes i still fear it, still do not believe it is over. i am a deer standing still in the headlights and making a run for it in the dark.