onesilentwinter

snow

2012-02-01T16:20:00.000-05:00

he said i had a dream about you

what was the dream about she asked

he said you were shovelling snow, you were just a little girl

in a flannel night gown and you were scooping up the snow with the shovel and i was the snow....

somebody

2012-01-24T18:46:00.000-05:00

i was going to be somebody i just can't remember who:)

human trafficking

2012-01-23T12:46:00.001-05:00

Human trafficking is higher than

the drug trade

the gun trade

in america

that is hell of a lot of people looking the other way from child sexual abuse.

that is a hell of a lot of city, state, federal officials NOT DOING THEIR JOB!

the novel

2011-12-09T15:24:00.004-05:00

i just finished a novel.
i am left lonely but completely filled
so powerful was the the words that stirred inside of me
i am lost in their images and whispers
i feel as if i have fallen in love, i have been made love to
and left in a sun lit room
the pain raw but to lovely
to not want more

the fog partout

2011-12-06T17:22:00.001-05:00

i thought i had seen it in every way possible, but that was not true. as i gathered greens from the forest floor ferns and moss i suddenly saw it or perhaps i felt it come at me head on. the fog thick and if possible roaring without a sound. magical, i know i wish i had a better word for it. i was not dressed in some ethereal dress of white or romantic red unfortunately, i wore jeans with dried mud, a dark sweater with hay all over it, clogs covered with dirt, manure and evidence of a dog who must have thought them a chew toy, my hair a dark mess of curls and no doubt hay could be found mingling among them. the fog came in so quick that for a second i became disoriented but ducks sounds pointed me in the right direction. the tempertature was milder than just an a few minutes before even though dusk was a moment away. how is it that this place here never stops taking my breath away, one can almost feel beautiful here.

framingham

2011-12-05T10:25:00.000-05:00

no one knew where to find you, i asked them with their shiny things owned by visa and american express but they had never been. i hated them for not knowing, hated them for their "i am sorry, i do not know where that is". my eyes now like water falls, i scrounged up dark glasses with scratches on them from the car floor, yet i knew they hid nothing. i drove to where ever someone pointed but their fingers led me to despair. finally hours past and i found you but it was too late. my the dark glasses fogged up with tears, tears so heavy of salt passing my lips, down my chin and unto my jeans . my heart was broken, broken. i had cried so hard that my soul disconnected from me, from everything for good this time . when i opened my eyes i saw so clearly it scared me, i could see far into the distance, though houses and forest but not in some romantic way but instead as if everything was water, lucid nothing different from one another everything the same all without weight or purpose.

soon someone will recommend eating the poor!~

2011-11-30T14:57:00.004-05:00

why obama i do not understand
were you eating horse meat in asia
when you signed.

did it go something like this

President" what is this i am eating?
Horse meat
oh really, i gotta get me some, is it legal back home dear boy"

idiot staff"no mr president but you have a bill on your desk waiting to be signed"

President"oh sign it dear fellow sign it wait till the boys get a taste of this"

President"what i signed the bill, so were is my horse meat???

Idiot staff "well mr president we are americans
we do not eat horse meat"

President"well why did we sign the bill? "sir you signed the bill, well what for?"
"answer me boy,

idiot staff well mr president i thought you where doing it for votes from the cowboys"

President"oh man
i think we will loose some of my guaranteed votes, what am i to do?"

Idiot staff mr president just say you did it for jobs"

President" brilliant! now is there anyway we can sneak in some of that stallion"

oh and dear PETA wtf?

the title of this post was inspired by a modest proposal essay, written in 1729

the window pane

2011-11-30T09:09:00.001-05:00

she took the rag from it's hook and walked towards the window she began to clean, the rag against the glass in circling motion. her hand slowed down and came to a stop. she stared at the window not through it as she often does, but at it. there she saw imprints of finger tips, were they hers she wondered or his. she dropped the rag and opened up her hand and slowly brought it to the glass, still warm from the afternoon sun she pressed her hand against it. they were not hers, at least she did not think so. she touched every tip with her own, lingered over them she swore it was like he was here but he was not, long ago gone. she picked up her rag once again but as she reached for the window she knew that she could not erase those just yet. even if they were hers both reminded her of the us that once existed. she walked away putting the rag back on the hook, turned her head once more towards the window the memories flooded in just like the sunlight had done moments before.

Mr Robert Oliver

2011-11-28T10:42:00.005-05:00

I am writing to ask you to stop studying me if that is what you are doing.

you see there is nothing to learn i assure you. i am quiet content as i am and i have a few pleasures in life and even if they might seem small to most, sitting at a cafe anonymously sipping what i hope is a good coffee while reading or perusing the net is one of them. I have spent much time on wasted distractions in fact if my life was a map all the blue on such map would equal the time that has been wasted on such things. i know now that i have lived the largest part of my life al ready, no i am not dying of some disease to my knowledge nor have i seen my future that has me getting hit my bus but i see things realistically and the largest time has passed. Just for the record the coffee here is bad. were was i? oh yes, to make it clear i have no time devoted to what ever you are offering, again none what so ever. if you are wondering, yes i am in love with you, perhaps it is the drops of paint on your shoes or the fact that you are covered in textures like corduroy and wool. do not get to excited on my way here i fell in love with a tree that's bark was so grey i found myself touching it, then as i parked the car i heard a woodpecker and confessed that i was in love with it too, oh and this song well yes i seem to love that too.. so you see i am fickle might i remind you of the blues on my map. good day.

2011-11-23T10:44:00.000-05:00

elections are like auctions we are all invited to attend
but the winner is always the one with the most money

liev

2011-11-05T19:32:00.003-04:00

liev i failed you, i failed you thinking i was doing the opposite. i am truly sorry.
my heart aches, like it deserves too.

you can not

2011-11-02T09:27:00.000-04:00

you tried to put your arms around my neck
then you opened me up and took my heart out with your bare hands
then you started building a cage of metal and high tensile wire
you were trying to do it again, have my soul locked up.

well you can't take her from me, or anyone or anything
so what, i went away, i smiled and laughed, dreamt and lived out loud.

but she is here and your hands are nowhere near me
and i will not imprison myself again.

planet earth

2011-09-19T23:28:00.001-04:00

i don't think the aliens want to come here anymore

the kitchen door

2011-09-15T12:22:00.001-04:00

the whisper you should close the door
me i do not want to
the whisper they will be all right
me what if they
the whisper they will be all right
me i can't
the whisper you must learn too
me must i
the whisper you must believe they will take care of themselves
me i can't take the chance, i promised
the whisper your health
me is fine, they give me life
the whisper they take from it too
me not now, not yet someday, maybe
the whisper you must learn, have faith
me hahaha faith, i trust them and me and nothing else.

yes

2011-09-12T12:37:00.004-04:00

you should not be allowed to love

taste water when you are hot

you should not be allowed to dance

in your living room, a wedding or block party

you should not be allowed to speak through facebook

a blog or out loud

you should not be allowed to look out this window

at this view or straight into my eyes.

you should not be allowed to breath

stop.

why

because

what

just

let it be.

no.

yes.

yes

never

ever

maybe yes.

take my hand

yes

never

come here

yes

hem of her pants

2011-08-15T11:07:00.002-04:00

the hem of her pants soaked up all the rain
his body, his skin held the warmth of the sun
he took her hand
the pants fell to the floor.

no longer

2011-07-10T16:12:00.001-04:00

sometimes i wake up thinking you have stopped loving me. every time i actually get to close my eyes and sleep, you take another ones shape, name you love me for a minute just enough to remind me, then you take it away. it is always done with such cruelty. love has come to an end greets me like the morning birds and the stretching dogs. i know longer love you whispered in my ear now again, often.

not a mother

2011-07-07T17:25:00.001-04:00

i am sitting, i feel as if my heart is the wind and any minute it will blow. i am full of anxiety perhaps the three hours at the dealership with bad news is making me so, perhaps my period is coming i am almost forty why cant i remember when it is coming, why does it still come i am not a mother and will not be. motherhood you are slapping me in the face, these days over and over pretty little pictures of swollen bellies, tiny hands and big beautiful eyes. i have reached a new place i can feel it. i am not going to have a child, how many times have i wrote this here. now it is this whimpering sound that never stops it comes from heart, my soul .the tiny birds in the nest right by my door, the mother does such a wonderful job, but she taunts me too, sasha and claude sitting on there eggs, giving up fresh air, food and water to care for their babies tucked away in shells, they taunt me.

i am breaking, breaking , breaking my body looks like it has bared children ten times over but not a one, not a one, this is my fate, punishment, doom.

the want

2011-06-28T22:35:00.004-04:00

i am sitting in the dark, except for the fire flies that are on the other side of the window panes
the wind is stirring the trees and the leaves can no longer remain silent
far behind the hills the thunder begins its journey, will it come to me i am beginning to wonder

it is instantly quiet, i know this moment i have felt it before, soon the clouds will open
up and everything will feel the rain fall but i for i am sheltered by the wooden beams from the old apple barn but the sound will stir in me the want to write poetry, the want to play, to run, to feel, the want, the want, the want... roaring now it falls.

sleep

2011-06-22T10:36:00.000-04:00

it looks like you are sleeping with your eyes opened he said
pardon, no but perhaps it must look like that she said
oh i did not mean it in a bad way, what i meant is you look at peace he said
peace, i am afraid you might be judging a book by its cover, she said
i have upset you i can tell he said
how can you tell she said
he quiet now
she staring at the sea that is not there
i think i have approached you all wrong, you looked like peace to me, ones company i suddenly crave he said
you are very kind, you will not find what you are looking for in me, for i myself have been looking for it, it is no where in me, not even the tiniest speck she said
your very kind but one more word and tears will fall but they will not belong to anything you said..she said.

pieces

2011-06-11T17:39:00.000-04:00

today you have broken my heart in a million pieces

something that will hurt us for the rest of our lives.

home in me

2011-05-23T20:21:00.003-04:00

the story is writing itself, with every movement that takes place
when the horse gallops or a wing gently waves, when the grass sways from
the travelling wind or when the hem of my skirt gets shortened.

i am at home here more than any where before. i am shedding.
why is it one always tells another when the other moves away
you can re invent yourself for i belive it is the opposite it is when
what has already been invented finally appears, it is where one goes
to finally come home.

un found

2011-05-16T15:27:00.002-04:00

sometimes you watch a film that is made to break your heart and it does. but you still seek such films, somehow they leave you feeling unfound, discovered but not claimed. then there is the music that repeats itself and you do not have the heart to turn it off for it is hauntingly beautiful and through it you feel as if you still have a chance

got it.

2011-04-24T15:12:00.000-04:00

it would be very hard to put into words the last few month and more so what i feel on this very day.
i feel as if i am yelling but the noise does not escape my lips.
i understand, no biological kids ever. i got it.
that i have also encountered people with fake blood in their veins and those people will never be genuine, i got it.
that i am not as strong as i hoped i was, i got it.
that coping skills are none existent, i got it.
that i leave a lot to the last moment, i got it.

that this too shall pass, i do believe i get it.

tomorrow

2011-03-10T20:43:00.000-05:00

tomorrow, is big. real big.
today was good, real good.( minus the whole coughing, sneezing, fever thing)
tomorrow is big.
the biggest.
tomorrow might be good, no great.
tomorrow might be bad, real sad.
tomorrow is big.
real big.
big is what tomorrow is.

goodbye and hello

2011-01-07T16:51:00.001-05:00

i wanted to write a post about what last year meant for me but it find the task challenging, daunting, overwhelming. i know the happy things with such clarity but everything else is a mix of complicated feelings, you see i spent most of last year treading water, holding my breath whether it was fearing that the animals would get sick or that my marriage would end. I lost many things last year once again but i also lost thing things i need too.

all i know is this year has to be bigger because i will work to make it that way. i do not want to be bigger though:) i spoke of wanting to be a mama and maybe that will come true but first i have to understand what kind of wife i am and what kind of husband he is and if he still loves me, it easy to say i love you once you said a million times what is hard d to say is i no longer do but this hoping i will hear it a million times more before my heart stops beating. so now i take a deep breath and start to formulate a plan, i will begin to sculpt my mind and body take deep breaths, rest my back against something and live a good life.

books

2010-12-09T14:31:00.001-05:00

today the air is so cold but i do not mind it. the sun is beautifully shining. everyday my love for music grows. today i had this happy feeling i can not explain it but i have been happy. even gutsy which usually back fires for me, it did not this time. i felt justified and sure of who i am. the ironic thing is when i feel happy, i can also feel quizzie but that just lets me know something good happened.

today at the library i saw a man drowning in books i thought to myself how lucky is he.

2010-12-06T21:55:00.000-05:00

you handle it badly

driving on a dirt road to hear me crack

2010-11-30T13:47:00.001-05:00

underneath a charcoal sky i grip the steering wheel with my bare hands, sometimes i have gloves on but not tonight. the flickering lights, i leave those behind and feel the tires hit the dirt road, yes i go down the the narrow dirt road with it's dangerous curves i like it. mozart, toby or porteus head blaring while i take those curves flanked by giant trees like it is my only vice, i am heading towards you. you will have your hands on my neck, then my lower back and waist, your going to heal remember, you say. driving i stop at the cafe order my coffee it is quiet at this time, the cafe unrecognizable at this time, i like it this way. back in my car now i have stopped the music, listening to npr now, they teach me things, they open my eyes. I park my car now in front of me it feels like a paris window and door covered with ivy i think to myself should i open another store, no. I go in now there you are your hands holding a pen soon they will be holding me and i will not like it as much as you like, your the one that gets paid not me, you pull me near then crack. i hate the crack. i hate all of it well maybe not the heated blanket you lay on top of me and the relaxing sounds coming out of the speakers.

i am back in the car now, i am freezing, i mean my teeth are chattering how in ten minutes did i leave new england for yukon. i take a sip, adjust the radio, drive thinking how i wish all of it was longer. my tires hit the dirt road again my mind hits the clouds and i go for it as if it is my last ride i drive fast on this dirt road, the one they warned me about, i am always getting warned about something.

crash

2010-11-10T12:11:00.000-05:00

you words crashed into me as i was skipping like a school girl
the sun was out did you not see it. i halted, stopped froze. you wanted words, reactions right there and then but all i could think about is the door handle and if i would have the courage to open.
how i wished for silence, for superman to turn back this moment in time but i swallowed what else was i to do.

really?

2010-11-02T21:39:00.002-04:00

hell in a handbag!

a barber

2010-11-02T13:00:00.000-04:00

as we sat there pencils in hand

i turned to him and said do you want to be a fireman

no he replied

maybe a fisherman i said

what about a barber

to hairy he said

it was good to laugh like that.

it's in the air

2010-10-29T15:03:00.000-04:00

when a faint whisper of what i want leaves my lips
i know, with enough time it will come.

tip toes

2010-10-27T11:13:00.000-04:00

i found myself on the tip of my toes my arms extended around you, your shoulders happiness, your hands witness to my existence my movement subtle as it may have seemed had split the mountain of what was then and what is now. my lips a pen that told a story that till that very moment was lost.

.

2010-10-07T22:13:00.001-04:00

dear tea party please explain

2010-09-30T11:05:00.003-04:00

how you plan on cutting billions wait and billions of dollars
just tell us how we will listen, make it specific
HAVE A PLAN DO SHARE IT
YOU want the job show me your plan, your resume, your successes just don't take me to your leader
she is a babbling idiot!

Yeah I thought so!

wood

2010-09-28T11:23:00.000-04:00

UMMMMM let see

2010-09-09T11:35:00.004-04:00

SO you wanna burn the Koran UMMMM!
let see if someone who did not look like you, or talk like you
decided to burn say a bible no let's make it a truck load would those
people be called terrorist, specially if they decided to say video it as well?

so i am guessing that once you finish burning the Koran and you find yourself in the bathroom
washing all the ashes from you face and you look in the mirror you will do the right thing
and call the police, fbi, cia on the person staring back at you,

you know because your a preacher and all!

ps- media definitely fuelling this fire!

wednesday air

2010-09-08T09:15:00.011-04:00

the clouds are that blue gray i love so much. they are moving like floating leaves on a still lake. i am sitting by the table on the porch, with my coffee and toast, honey not jam this morning. the dogs are nestled in the grass, grace would like to be at my feet in case crumbs should make it to the floor and sophie as she often does is staring up past the trees to the sky.

there has been no sleep for a eight days now, not even the two that usually come to me in the early morning. there is a lot to blame, but now i believe the suspect to be my mattress. i would happily lie on a hammock if i only had one. the bush i disliked is almost gone thanks to oar ant tony the goats, some how they are leaving my flower beds alone i am glad because i love how they have come out. the leaves on the trees along with the wind make a noise almost like rain or a tap being turned on. I love how it the wind brushes up on my skin and how wearing jeans and a cardigan is no longer ridiculous for the weather.

i can still taste the honey on my lips along time after my toast is finished and to think that the honey came from a bee that was buzzing around here is sweeter than you think!

and now i must take out a pen and write thank you notes for the shelter.

what is it

2010-09-07T15:56:00.002-04:00

what is it he said to me
i do not know
as i thought to myself if i only knew
what is it
i have no idea
i guess no one is whistling anymore
or dancing

what is it
nothing
well
nothing i can put into words
i am not good with words
or house work
or love making

the last day of august

2010-08-31T14:29:00.003-04:00

i have just let tolstoy out of his paddock, he is free to roam where ever he chooses on the farm, i am nervous. i have for the very first time this summer put on a strapless dress and i am okay about it, even though my arms are redicously large i still manage to feel feminine. i have filled a glass with ice, ginger ale and orange juice and pulled a new book from my shelves to read : the grapes of wrath" by steinbeck. Moments before all this i walked to the pond to check on the ducks and found five huge turkey vultures resting, i clapped my hands and they flew away both magnificent and frightening all at once. the birds they have not stopped singing and someone must have told the cardinals of my love for red for i have counted at least a dozen. I once did a design for a flower show of a flock of red cardinals flying over head as my way of saying this end of the world as we know it, i hope this not the case today. i have wanted september to come, yet i think it more the coolness of the fall that i am waiting for. but for today i will remain in the moment and let the moisture of the humid air rest on my bare arms as i turn the page...

bright star

2010-08-23T12:29:00.003-04:00

it is as if the rain knew tears would come
the drops pour unto the pastures as if they were desperate to hide
to seep beneath it all
my heart i fear will remain permantely pinched
no doubt that something from my conscious mind will undo it
but only for a while
my breath now cut off sends the air to my head
that is now pounding along side my undone heart
i lay myself under a cover made of feathers
and wish my sleep heavy.

n

*what i felt after bright star

let go

2010-08-15T23:13:00.004-04:00

holding on. that is what i do.
i hold on to my loft because, well i do not know why
i hold on to my book because i do not want it to end
i hold on to king henry the eighth
i hold on to a handkerchief
i hold on to a broken shoe
i hold on and i know longer want too
but i do

or

today you held my hand on several occasions you knew
i need you to know

cheese cloth

2010-08-13T11:41:00.002-04:00

i feel

a nap

2010-08-09T12:35:00.004-04:00

perhaps it was the smell of the pine needles that lifted my spirits high. reading my book each page was so heavy in thought but
then in wolfboro the best nap i have ever had took place. i dreamt of my horse tolstoy, dreamt
of love, most of all i slept and when i woke the mix of pine needles and you
there awakened every thing that had been sleeping.

aware

2010-07-21T12:11:00.004-04:00

i am not sure why it is done. i just do it. regret of course
followed by anger. than i learn who i am and i except.

but i do not like her. she is not in control even though
you think so. we are not. i am not. i am just foolish stuck between
naive and a dreamer.

ache

2010-07-17T17:38:00.001-04:00

it was just like that....and it ached.

today i asked a big question the one that keeps me up at night

2010-07-12T14:55:00.002-04:00

no answer, just a lump in my throat, butterflies in my belly
fear no i think mostly fear...

wish me well

2010-06-14T10:44:00.004-04:00

wish me well for now
i asked in a slow whisper to the nights air
for now will you wish me well
i said as my fingers touched the drops of rain
for now will you wish me well
as my shoes hit the cobblestones in the alley way
i know where my home is and
i will be coming home soon
my love

my outside in

2010-06-05T17:56:00.003-04:00

it is deep forests, quiet rivers. it is the birds that sing. the dew that still sits on leaves from this morning rains. it is the way they run up the hill and how i love kissing their cheeks. it is the mix of the early evenings breeze and shubert. they way the sun begins to set it's rays hitting everything just the right way. it is the me in all these things that i want to confide in. no one else. with exception perhaps of the moon, ....

sore feet & blueberries

2010-06-01T11:07:00.003-04:00

me on the front porch. sore feet. the breeze keeps me safe from the sun.
toast with marmalade, blueberries and espresso. a book, finally a good book to read.
can i do it, be still enough to relax. for nothing is without discomfort, guilt. i do wish for a cold wet passing rain.
i would stand underneath it. erase, wash away. soak. the breeze did i mention it, it is lovely and not quiet.

bird

2010-05-17T14:23:00.003-04:00

move along dear friend. push, pull but do not tug.
i shall become a bird, you will find me by your window.
i will fly when you come near but sing when you are calm.
are you calm, are you still.

whistling

2010-05-04T16:59:00.005-04:00

there is something about whistling that speaks to me. i can not whistle and even when i say
i can what i really am saying is i inhale and make a funny sound. When i hear you whistle, for just a split of a second i freeze, nervous stillness but then i relax and listen and even ask for more. more whistling please that is what i need more whistling, more of you whisling.

mirror and memories

2010-04-17T20:10:00.004-04:00

the morning came and i drove through thick fog then a clearing. there comes a time in the spring when the color of the buds on the tree resembles the fall. a time when the past is mirrored in the present. my mind traveled back as well
clouds moved fast- i was moving fast in and out of memories like tip toes to water.

eyes at night.

2010-03-26T21:17:00.003-04:00

my eyes grow heavy yet it is barely night. tears have not come as i thought they might.
life has changed many times over, sharp egdes and hard turns. mixed emotion have me confused
i wonder if i am swiming or drowning. sounds come out but words are not understood. my eyes grow
heavy, heavy and now i say goodnight.

the last station

2010-03-09T08:23:00.005-05:00

last evening i went to the cinema with k. and a friend. we went to see the last station a story of Tolstoy's last days. as we sat in the theater and the screen turned dark the words of tolstoy emerged, i had to hold back my tears not to frighten the people around me for the movie had barely begun. i have been in love with tolstoy forever now, whether it has been something that he has written or what was written about him. i understand the struggle within him, yet i am unable to use my own words to explain how much he moves me.

ten minutes into the movie a young man who has been hired to be his secretary sits on the couch that tolsoy was born on and every member before and after of his family. tolstoy asks the young man about his own work, his family- when the man burst into tears overjoyed and in disbelief of tolstoy kindness towards him a "mere nobody". i knew exactly what that man was feeling for it was what i had felt a few minutes before, in awe that i was reading his words and seeing his life played out before me.

a finger grip to a dream

2010-02-26T11:38:00.002-05:00

the rain has fallen for three days straight. i have had so many thoughts come and then get washed away.
i almost did the unthinkable, well the unthinkable for me- i almost let a dream fall. i was ready to take an eraser
to my soul, carve it out the dream i carried for so long in my heart. well you see the dream laid dormant, i felt like i no longer walked towards it so i was going to let it go, then i realized that i had confused the stillness of everyday life with not wanting it anymore. i want it so much and i feel as if i should apologize to this dream for it has been a companion since i was very young i, nadia was going to make it disappear without any trace of it ever being there. then like something out of a movie an email came that said this is the way to hold on to your dream- no,it said this is away to carry out your dream.

now the snow dances out my window and a red cardinal calls me out to play

melancholy

2010-02-23T11:47:00.004-05:00

melancholy no longer sits on my skin but has set into my flesh.
i have said goodbye to many times. my arms have grown tired
as they wait with open arms to welcome someone new. i have said goodbye too many times
my arms are tired, my throat is raw from singing children's songs. i have opened the treasure chest filled with
little clothes and shoes for little toes one too many times.

melancholy has passed my skin and now my flesh and has found away into my soul..

why is that you have forsaken me this...why

glow

2010-02-18T16:16:00.002-05:00

a throat ache and a muffled head, i find myself curled up on the chaise my
face towards the sun. all these years so many more hours than anyone and yet i have never napped
my eyes feel heavy and the sun is caressing my headache and as my eyes close gently, i am in heaven
for the glow in my mind surely must come close.

the tea party -really! sarah palin???

2010-02-08T11:31:00.003-05:00

tiny sandwiches for tiny minds!

2010-01-28T20:37:00.001-05:00

i love my husband
i love hearing him laugh
i love my husband

in the snow

2010-01-28T14:50:00.004-05:00

i feel so alive when snow covers the ground and flakes fall and get caught in my hat i can easily lay on the ground and play out childhood memories. I can wear my black cashmere coat and tall boots and fancy gloves and dream of paris, but for today i will put my wool sweater and play fetch with sophie and grace.

thoughts

2010-01-26T13:55:00.003-05:00

i can feel the temperature change. the warm air that blew around here just yesterday is gone. even with the sun piercing through my bones i already feel the cold. i have had all sort of thoughts sometimes it is as if they are not me, mine, but a person i lhave trouble understanding. todays thoughts were hard, i though about how i wish i could paint how even though i sing to myself, i could never really sing to anyone else, i thought about how i know how to make love but not a baby
i though about such things. i feel cold, i have felt cold all winter long. i have felt the coldness of the man that owns the farm, coldness from racist politicians and realtors. the sun watches me as i write this for it makes the keys glow, can you come in i ask it, can you come closer.

the wind

2010-01-25T11:27:00.007-05:00

the air is warm, the wind blows with such strength, the rain allows you to stay dry only for a minute, seconds really.
i travel with it at least my heart does and perhaps my mind..

tangerines

2010-01-20T10:44:00.004-05:00

behind me i hear the sound of the faucet drip, drip , drip
i tried to fix it but it still drips. on the table is a bowl tangerines, maybe
there is twenty or just twelve. through the window the grass is now visible
and green makes you believe change is coming. the sun comes out from behind grey sheets and tiny snow flakes that will probably never reach the ground dance. i am sitting wanting to know more as i reach for the dial of the radio.

snowflake and sound

2010-01-08T12:36:00.003-05:00

i sit at my chair by the window but i am far, far away. the music that played transported me to a place and time that is not here and not now. every once a while i come back and stare out the window as large snowflakes fall from the sky and reach the bottom. was that their destination all along i wonder, is that where the snow flake really wants to go. just like that i am not in my kitchen but on the other side. the only thing i can feel is my lips they are cracked as i float in the land of memories. up above my body against the grey clouds looking down i see that the snow is dancing, it hears it too, the melody and the tone of the voice that sings me home.

today i look out

2009-12-22T12:26:00.002-05:00

the way the sun hits the chair
the way the house is filled with your scent, my dear tree
the way your snow pants keep me warm and how funny your boots look on my feet
the bright light that comes from the snow glistening snow
the sounds they all make when i open the barn door, good morning dear folks
the shivers i get as the wind finds an opening through the house, burrr
the way i promise myself to get some sleep, but all the things that keep me awake
the icicles that are pointing down, that remind me of edward scissor hands
the music that plays and has my hips sway

meltdown

2009-12-15T13:37:00.004-05:00

i am having a meltdown. a mixture of anxiety and fear. i am trying to be myself through this holiday season.
see we do not spend hours in line at the mall anymore but understand the ones that do. we gather things from the forest to decorate our home with. we bookmark recipes that we must try and have chats by the fire about what we hope christmas would be. we dream of both sides of the family joining us here for a day at the farm with sleigh rides, good food, warm fire and maybe if weather allows it snow angels and men. not everyone feels that such things are enough- but why i wonder, why can't we just have moments uncluttered by things, ones that may just out live the things, why can't we just give the gift that can not be bought!(cliche maybe)

oh maybe i melting down because i have not been outside in three hours( to long for me) i should go now clear my head.

* update, the walk did the world of good, nature is magical she reminds of how lucky i am everyday.

moments

2009-12-14T11:01:00.004-05:00

sometimes my heart beats faster than usual when my eyes deceive me and i see you in my in box sometimes tears mix with my smiling lips when i hear the piano played so wonderfully.
sometimes life is just right, so where it has to be that i feel happy, young, like a girl learning it all again. sometimes i steal moments of bliss , afternoons, nights as i put those thoughts to rest i sometimes think my eyelids have been kissed!

dear mike

2009-12-03T17:04:00.005-05:00

i have been whispering this to you everyday. it is all i think about. i am so sorry for the discomfort i have caused. it is not tolsoy fault. you see we did not do it right, i did not listen to my gut but instead to people with big egos who did not do it the right way but instead they did it their way. I know i am taking care of you but i know you liked it the way it was and all though it will never be exactly the same it will be good again very soon.

you see tolstoy was in a line and was going to be slaughtered. he was in line to be a piece of meat on someones plate for someone in a foreign land, ones that are not foreign to me canada and japan two places i have loved dearly but i can not understand at this time. so you see he was in line being sold to the highest bidder "the meat guy" but he was saved because someone stopped it put their hand in their pocket pulled out a few dollars and saved him. he is here now, and i know it was shocking but it was not his fault, and i have been fighting to keep him here, he is loving and gentle but scared like you. it was not his fault but mine for not speaking up. mike everyday, three times a day i find you and clarabelle you come to me with so much love even though you have been banned by the pecking order (tolstoy) you come to me and i see how grateful you are and it touches me so.

at dusk today the air was so calm and warm. the sky was doing it's thing and you came to me and gave more love that i could have ever imagine possible from an animal (and most humans) and i cried all the way back to the house how is it that i have disrubt your life and yet you still take care of me...

dark

2009-12-01T10:11:00.006-05:00

if only my heart would purge some of what took place. even writing now i fear that it will hear my relief and quickly inhale me back into what seemed as the darkest of hours( two weeks really). i will say no more yes i still fear it, still do not believe it is over. i am a deer standing still in the headlights and making a run for it in the dark.

2009-11-16T19:19:00.003-05:00

how is it that we are giving sarah palin
even more than the fifteen minutes of fame she has already stolen??

maybe it's just me..

2009-11-02T14:43:00.003-05:00

cold, the sun comes and i am warmed

falling rain

2009-10-27T12:19:00.004-04:00

i heard it faintly in the wind, the way you used say my name. have you whispered it lately. i shall believe not, for once i was called fickle i protested not, even though it hurt the very core of me when you said it for at that moment you knew me not. I now understand the little pieces that come to me when-you spoke to me it was as if you were speaking to yourself, for dear man you are fickle, my mistake is that there was no face to my love just one that was made out trees, falling rain and birds that sang beautifully, i have not lost those things, they exist always in me, for me, never ending is the chapter that i wrote with my pen and invisible ink..

a pot

2009-10-13T15:49:00.006-04:00

as i write i stare unto the pastures lined with trees of every color. at times the wind plays making the leaves look like falling snow flakes. meringues bake in the oven and the rays of sun are piercing through the kitchen window. so why am i feeling like i might boil over

calling out

2009-10-03T09:22:00.006-04:00

it is the rain that brings me home to that place deep within me. it is easy to think of the past with a mixture of sadness, it only take a minute to stir emotions that for a long time laid dormant. it is strange when everything outside slowly begins to die and ready itself for the stillness of winter, my heart decides to beat harder as if calling out to me, i am here, i am here, i am here.

sleep

2009-09-29T05:47:00.002-04:00

so my eyes barely close. my eyelashes never travel down. i am sleepy.
ask me how long it has been and i would say something like eternity.

quiet night

2009-09-24T05:52:00.005-04:00

this morning you were loud, you stole the moment from me. when i am walking our long drive way in the darkest of nights, be kind enough to keep the light on for me. we have been in our new home for two weeks now, how is it that you do not know what door to lock does it not feel like home to you.., i am cranky- perhaps because you stole the quiet moment under the stars...or perhaps because you will not be coming home tonight, again.

2009-09-16T07:04:00.001-04:00

loving this

change

2009-09-10T06:40:00.003-04:00

the changes have come quickly as if i am looking through the window of a passing train.
so much has changed. i am afraid that it is not here to stay. please let it stay.

crime and punishment

2009-08-20T13:21:00.002-04:00

i have been reading crime and punishement. it is dark and cold and everynight i am left with the same
feeling. do i have to finish it? how did i make through it once before? why is he so familiar to me. oh
how i hate a great bad, bad book trully do i have to finish it?

a long stare

2009-08-14T21:32:00.003-04:00

he was afraid to call out her name . he stood at the gate as she picked up the falling branches. he remembered everything about her now and he begun to shake he put his hand on the gate to steady himself. she noticed him their and slowly walked further away from where he was. she whispered his name and followed it with never again. there was someone new now, he could never come close to the kindness of this man. he had not been replaced but forgotten as he had hoped to be and if that was not the case every action proved other wise. she was surprised by her strength and how all the work had not failed her now she even paused to remember one moment of bliss but nothing came she had exchanged every happy memory for ten of the bad ones she had done a good job infact she had secretly thanked him for his cowardliness and for her own child stupidity. he knew now that she had seen him, he was sure that she would walk to him but soon he realized that it was best if he never came to her again something he had failed over and over again never being able to put her first and even though she had changed and did not even look the same for she had aged in such a short period of time covered her thin frame with more flesh then had been before.. he took one last stare but he cold not see her as she was but as she had been that day through the window. she did not look back again as she walked into the house.

the reader abandonned

2009-08-12T10:53:00.004-04:00

there i was deep into the night my-living room feeling large like an armory, they left me. harry, penelope, charlotte they went off and lived happily ever after and did not turn around to see if i wanted to come along. It is as it always was for me and i am sure for many of you a time where you are coming close to the end of a book where you start to feel sad, not sad for the characters but for yourself somehow they invited you into their lives without objection. you smelled their cigarette as they lit it, you admired there dress you even swear you could taste the scone they where about to devour. you also cry for them and try to warn them. even when the book is put down you still think about them and can't wait to get back to them and you do. the end of the book always seems like the beginning of there lives without you in it...

the river

2009-08-10T11:22:00.005-04:00

it took along time to get back to it. before we had even turned the ignition on in providence i was already on the kenebec. as we traveled down the turnpikes and the kids giggled in the back i knew that i was drifting. I had waited, wanted it, for far too long now. the scene played in front of me during bad days like a carrot and now i knew i would catch up to it.

we pulled in and i could barely wait for the car to stop, i was out. i hardly noticed the darkness. i pulled the tent out of it's bag and set it up at records pace, i heard nothing saw no one thought of nothing except what i came here to do. before i knew it i started to take off my clothes and as they fell onto the rocks, the kids and my husband stood in amazement "what are you doing" i heard someone say but i could not even take a moment to answer. i walked towards the moonlit river walked without hesitating till i was completely emerged, it was cold just as i imagined it. just how i needed it to be..

forward

2009-07-21T13:46:00.003-04:00

i can not believe i am doing this again
memories from the last time seem as if only yesterday
there is evidence of the last time everywhere i look

can this be happining again, i guess so.

when

2009-07-14T15:09:00.003-04:00

when sadness knocks on the door loudly, i turn on the music that played when i was happy. when sadness wants to take me out, i put on the prettiest dress and my big bad boots. when sadness wants to run me under the covers i bring a good book.

one long breath( opera)

2009-07-07T06:06:00.004-04:00

can i tell you about the opera and how it makes me feel. can i do my emotions justice when i tell you how much i am inspired, inspired- what does that mean? to do what i wonder, because as the very first note is released into the air, i feel as if shall never leave the theater, that right here in this chair i shall take my very last exhale.but before i do my heart will take me around the room and into the stories of my own life i will dive in and i will cry. as she speaks to him in one long breath a hundred faces will come to me. and just when i think i can bare no more of her agony her voice will turn towards the sky and it will remain hanging in heavy air until someone terrified of what they have felt disturbs the perfect dark silence with an applause and then another.

memories..

2009-07-06T06:43:00.007-04:00

...slowly she begins to live in the past. the funny thing about that is that she was not able to remember most of her childhood, except for small things. the color of her swimsuits, the taste of tiger tale ice cream, the caterpillars she would collect while riding her bike, the boy with the fish tank full of little frogs that she felt the need to liberate those where good things. once and a while a small rush of bad things would come to her, she would face them head on for a minute or two then feeling her fist fill with anger she would shut the door tight shaking her head as if she was trying to have those memories fall out of her, . slowly she found herself lingering in certain memories, she was reliving the ones from the last few years more than any other but this time she toke out all the painful moments and replaced them with all the what ifs she had gathered through out the years.

ted hughes

2009-07-02T07:14:00.004-04:00

surely there has been a mistake. i am not from now.
but from then, a time when we introduced ourselves with our full names.
where we rode our bikes to our destination with ease. a time when he said “hello” and it’s weight alone would send you floating for days, nights and days again. where we danced because that is the only way we could touch, so we danced a lot. my memories of such time are not mine, they are borrowed from those who where there then and then was their now. a time where you could hear the screen door snap back as you ran out the house with your lips tainted raspberry.

i would have not married ted hughes, but would have surely been smitten and would have held on to his words till they fell into the library sink. yes, i could feel you trying to interrupt me while you read this. you wish to tell me that not all those times i would have liked and i understand. i thought about it as this came to me this evening and i know with that which is good comes things that are bad but i asked myself, what bad would i have taken for those memories to belong to me, to be mine, to have had the raspberry wiped from my lips by his mouth..

how can that be answered truthfully.

reflection

2009-07-01T06:56:00.002-04:00

taking a walk in my minds path. stumbling.

hardly at all.

2009-06-27T19:40:00.002-04:00

do i think about it. i think about it.
a little. just a little. only sometimes. very little.

most of the time i just remember that somehow i could see
myself in away i had never before. my smile i think about my smile. smiling.
i could feel it deep within my cheeks sent from my heart to my lips.
but like i said, very little. hardly at all. sometimes i think about the rain and thunderstorms. most of time i remember the pain. so much of it that if my job was to shovel it i still be digging out of the dirt. wait i am. like i said just a little. very little.

i remember i though i was pretty. but just a little, hardly at all. i remember the happier i was the paler i became. thinner. but only sometimes. i remember the conversion machine that existed within me. you said pretty things and i converted them to what they really were. little. only all the time well except when the machine started to slow down, then i held on to those words that meant very little. then they became big. BIG and BLINDING. but it all meant very little. so you see hardly at all. never really. only sometimes.

old

2009-06-24T13:02:00.006-04:00

he knelt down and took her hands in his,. he could not stop the tears no matter how hard he tried, she weeped. she could not help but think how did this happen, how did he not grow old along side of her. he desperately tried to make her pain go away, he
put his lips to her ear and sang to her down by the bay as he rocked her back and forth. slowly her lips stopped quivering. his shirt drenched by her tears now, he laid her down and continued to sing to her till her eyes closed till and her hands tightened around his..

2009-06-22T13:23:00.004-04:00

the lump in my throat grows bigger with every letter
i press on the keyboard. the world wants to change, it is crying out
and some people can only try to stop it with violence, blood and egos
i wish i could scoop out the ego within these men who get validation
in surpressing the growth and needs of others.

woman without a face

2009-06-20T19:19:00.005-04:00

i think i am not good at it. i try. but it is hard. would it be okay if i was the woman without a face. would you mind terrible if i surrender to failure. i don't think there is much happiness that will come from knowing me. ask the others the ones who turned away. I am writing this and if you think i am sad, no, no i am not. there is something that comes from knowing my weaknesses and my worth in this world, knowing it make's it better then pretending that i weigh more than i do. wait i do weigh more than i think i do, so while i become the woman with no face is okay if you take my body too.

ugly ego

2009-06-18T11:14:00.003-04:00

i want to hold the rain in my hand. i want it to not melt away and run down my arm. I want to kick a pudlle and i want it it hit something, someone- yes i have said it. egos are so big that the one's that hold on to them above there shoulders do not know what a mess they make.

no better than her or him you can not take your words and make them weigh a thousand pounds and believe that you will not crush anyone one with them. I wish i spoke a foreigh tongue of witches so i can lay a curse upon you, not one to destroy you you have done that yourself but one to build you into a better human being or just human. wait i know you walk around thinking that you are already there that is what troubles me and those who know you.

notes drift me away

2009-06-16T12:07:00.003-04:00

i am listening to it- the music. i am getting lost in it's notes, going too far. It is playing for me and i am wanting it's waves to carry me away. I love the piano. love it so much i am afraid i will pull out the anchor and drift. I know now that i am scared. scared of both outcomes so i stay there on the dock that sways slightly from side to side- that is all i can afford to risk.

math

2009-06-09T12:41:00.004-04:00

the other day while you were gone, sadness and fear came over me. a thought moved me to tears. i swirled that thought between my lips, trying carefully not to swallow. everyday i am near you is a day closer to being without you. is that true i wondered, i tried to look at it closer. a math equation. i stood up and sat back down. i dried tears as they fell. this is wrong i said to myself. why does it feel so sad i asked. why does it feel so sad.

the envelop

2009-06-06T16:41:00.007-04:00

as she reached her hand in the mail box and pulled the envelops out, there it was she was sure of it. she entered back into the house and laid the bundle on the table. she ran upstairs, made the bed and put away her clothes. she was running, ignoring. she came back down and as she passed it she could feel it call out to her and just then she called out to the dogs " let's go out". she lingered and strolled but she could not slip away from what she knew was waiting for her inside. she opened the door once more and unleashed the dogs, she ran her hands under the water bringing her cold wet hands to her face, she let the towel fall to the ground. it felt as if she was counting the steps to the letter. she picked it up, examined it closely then ripped the envelop. there it was laid out in graphing detail what she would be experiencing, charts, pictures, it was to be more difficult than she thought. no where on those pages was it written how she would feel, how if her heart was to be broken how long would it take to mend, could it mend? would it mend? she place the pamphlet back into the envelop and walked to the table, this time she opened the drawer and place it inside as she whispered to herself "monday i shall know what i might not wish to know".

the train took her

2009-06-04T12:30:00.004-04:00

i wonder sometimes when i lost her? as if that day my eyes were filled with tears that i became blind to what direction the train took her. I hardly remember anything about her. the clothes that hang all over the house don't even trigger the faintest of memories . she is gone. in my attempt to make her stronger i scared away. sometimes i think i hear her, in a passing giggle or a sigh but no nothing, for she was silenced by my naive ways.

Sometimes it feels like i am following her but how could that be i left her behind, kicked up dirt in her face. confused she sat on that train and now the train is gone and no one is looking for her, not even me.

family

2009-06-03T11:51:00.002-04:00

my family. ours. this is a happy sight.
this is okay by me. this is who i live for.
and that is where my bliss comes from.